Loved, Love, and Loving...

Finally nasabi ko kay Rod mga hinanakit ko, ang hindi ko nagustuhang expressions nya about me beaing active in the gay scene. After confronting him, our friendship grew deeper. According to him, "E kasi, the realtionship and level of the thing we have is beyond beaing couples. Pag friends kasi mas relaxed ang environment which invites and tolerates conversations ranging from sex to anything." Conservative po kasi ako at xa lang ang nakakausap ko ng matino na walang alinlangan. Well, hindi ko maxadong naintindihan yung sinabi nya pero ang masasabi ko lang, thankful ako kasi sobra pa sa okay kami. Ngayon nga lang medyo nararamdaman ko bumabalik yung moments namin before. I don't know kung kelangan ko magworry or just be happy. Sigh. Humahaba nanaman hair ko. Basta, hindi xa pwedeng makidagdag sa mga inaalala kong boys. Dami kasi manliligaw e. Maxado na akong nagigingflirt. Err.. is that bad?

Here comes a kid. His name is Jeff. Sya ang unang unang dahilan kung bakit hindi pwedeng maging kami ni Rod incase magkagusto ulit sya sakin. sigh. Mahal ko na kasi itong batang ito. He's young, yah but the level of maturity, wow. Madali sy'ng kausap hindi tulad ng ibang guy na dumaan sa buhay ko. Somehow nakita ko sa personality nya si Rod. Madaling kausap.

Nung pinatay yung friend naming si Barbie, naging over-protective sakin si Mama. Si Papa ok lang. Grabe to the maximum level, pati nung pinatay din ang isa sa mga producer ng PDA, sinermonan na ako agad. Like hello!? Hindi lang sa bakla pwede mangyari yun. Pero thankful ako kasi I'm being love.. wag lang oa. pero masarap pala kapag oa. napapangiti ka kapag narerealize mong mahal ka. sigh...

Uncertain of what I really need...

Arfgh! my body clock is broken because of parties and my heart and mind are still uncertain because of loving. sigh. It's like i'm left broken and have no idea what i'm doing. You'll often see me now, tulala. The expresion I always do that bugs Erick. He says, I got this certain look that he doesn't know if i'm happy and contented or I hate what I'm doing. I dunno. should I hate what I'm doing? What I hate is that I lost so many points according to Rod. Darn it! It's not my fault I don't have gay friends. Wait, what points? For what? Oh yah, turn-off. I need a group of gay friends. I need to learn. I need to enjoy who I am. I need people who'll accept me. I need belongingnes. Sigh. I need to get involve with my gay life.

*click the picture to see my gay friends and the fun we had in malate last Saturday.

My super shit, ex boyfriend and I had a chat. It's nothing to fuzz about..

Drew: Is this Bonn Vener Monzon?
Drew: Is this Bonn? ... Kamusta ka na?
Me: I don't know what you're talking about.
Drew: So this is Bonn. You gave my number daw to a guy with the name Geoff?? Kamusta na po?
Me: I don't give anyone's number and I don't know any guy named Geoff. Get Lost.
Drew: Bitter still. Gawd. I'm Sorry.. But I don't have to say Sorry Forever.
Me: You don't have to. I understand and accept that it's in your nature.
Drew: Is this you?? Is this Bonn?? Parang hindi. Btw. The guy told me you're lying.
Me: Yah. It's not me. I don't lie.
Drew: I really would like to apologize, but now I know you won't accept it. Maybe never. Well, I see nakapagmove on ka na agad. And I'm happy you did. I pray for you good fortune.
Me: Thank You. Don't worry, you’re forgiven.
Drew: Galit ka pa ata eh? Sorry talaga. I hope we can be friends... I really hope so. Kung alam mo lang yung sermong inabot ko from my friends dahil sayo hehe. Botong boto kasi sila sayo. Pero di nga? Am I?
Me: Friends? They don't deserve someone like you. Yes, you are forgiven kaya wala na tayong dapat pagusapan pa.
Drew: Kei Kei. That's all. Kei Kei.

Project Runway's Daniel is a fag!

My days are so weird lately. I clipped my nails, I cut my hair, I cleaned my room, I swept the floor and dusted everything, I washed the electric fan, I changed my bed sheet, blanket and pillowcases. Yep! Also the pillowcase that I always smell, that I haven't kissed for a long time now. (bakit nga ba? I'm actually respecting the person I think my pillow is. You won't understand it for now. It's a fantasy thing.) There goes his scent to the laundry. I did my laundry too. I did my whites awhile ago. I even gave my mom a pedicure. Well, that's exchange for 50 bucks. But no joke, I only do these things when I experience something I didn't like. I always end the day wondering what's wrong but then I wake up asking what's right then I start doing these stuffs. Hmmm... I don't know anymore what to think. I don't know what's coming. I don't know what to expect. I just hope it's not bad or else I'm gonna paint the whole house pink. Just kidding on pink, maybe white would do. Just two things I haven't done yet and that's rearranging everything and have a 30 minutes shower.

Speaking of pink, my room turned out pink after cleaning. And coincidence, the topic on the radio was what comes in your mind when you hear the word pink. Whoa! How's that!? I actually remember my friend Amanda. She's really into pink. Is pink really the color of life today? Here’s some picture I've taken. (*click the picture for a larger view in my album.)

Love 'em? One picture I didn't add there, here it is and I call it Brokeback. For the information of everyone, I'm not fascinated to pink. I love maroons, florescent orange and dark turquoise. (Thank you Rod for letting me your hat and I'm sorry until now, I haven't returned them.) Rod and I already talked about his stuffs. I'm gonna return them on Wednesday. Rod is really nice. He's my 2nd real love. Hehe. We didn't turn out boyfriends and boyfriends but we're good friends. He knows some things that my bestfriends doesn't know. And some of those are the things that MTRCB will reject.. Laughing out loud. But the person who really knows most of what's happening in my life, it's Aika, my bessy. One thing too, the blue study lamp that you see in my desk, that's not mine, that's EJ's lamp. I brought it home after my finals and I'm gonna return it too on Wednesday when I get my clearance in school. I don't know that it's bad bringing home something that the office owns. Not until I asked my Mom when I was cleaning her toes. My life is really unacceptable and I’m sorry. Sigh.

I think tumataba ako. I feel it. Yey! Ganyan talaga kapag ginugutom. At kapag ginugutom, only child ako! Whooo! For continues development, I created a routine and I'll post it on my wall. Hey, I'm not really OC, I just tend to forget things easily.. What's your name again? I just need some things to remind me what to do. I know it's a kid thing but hey! Walang pakelamanan. Hehe. I'm just afraid that I might not comply to what I've settled. Tsk tsk tsk. Over and out.

I'm very special

My neighbor's noise made me stand from my bed and write a blog. My Gosh, It's passed 1 am in the morning. (Ang sabihin mu, ganyan ka lang talaga kapag bago template ng blog, mahilig kang magsulat ng kahit anu!) Hmmm... what's to blog about? Shucks! My house is no good for sleepovers when someone else in the neighborhood is having a party.

I'm kind of in a stage of disequilibrium. So many endeavors to live with. I sigh. First, I should "higpitan ang aking sinturon" because I'm so broke right now. Actually I'm always broke. So what's to fuzz about? Oh yah! The whole family should make "tipid" because so many bills to pay. I don't know if I could come at the g4m's First Birthday celebration in Bed, Malate on Thursday. Again, I sigh. Second, I broke my Boombox. Nice huh!? The Cassette player and the radio part is still in good condition but the CD Player is already dead and I don't know why and how. What!? I was listening to the #7 song of the band 7 foot Junior then suddenly their music stopped. I checked it out and it won't even play other CDs anymore. I cried. I'm a dead man. I don't have money to fix the machine and jamming with music is where I'm putting my emotions. Wah! What should I do? I can’t tell my parents. Okay, I'll tell them later. Sigh.

So there I was, chatting with some friends. Some are old and some are new. Sigh. Anna, a friend way back in high school, made my day. I told her some parts of my life because she asked me to. LOL. It's been about 4 years since our last talk/chat. She's in Canada already. I miss her. She's so nice and beautiful. We bacame friends when I courted her friend, Camille. I won't tell the story how she made my day. Basta, she made me happy and I miss her company. I was also able to chat with Myro and guess what!? He read my blog. Yah! He actually did! He told me. I actually tried to stop him but he was already reading my blog. Sigh. He read a part of how I feel about him being sad. Sigh. He told me that we're gonna have a talk in person. And what did I say, I said "takot ako, pass muna.." LOL. What is that!? I'm so nervous. Ok, I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. I don't know what to think. I have no idea what exactly we're gonna talk about. Am I gonna be dumped? I dunno. Just wait... and be prepared. (Negativity, please go away from me) Sigh.. Ngiwe. tsk tsk tsk

I said, Negativity stay away! Because of the negative thinking, I was able to make this. (Sorry, I'm just a little frustrated.)

If dumped

Where will I found someone another you?
Will he look for me?
Is he?

I'll just try to love again.
That's what I'm good at.
I think.

I should not cry in the outside.
You should not see me like this.
I'm not torn apart.

You're not looking at me.
You're not looking for me.
You shall not be affected.

I'm not crying.
Yes, I'm wont.
Please don't ask anything.

This is not reality.
This is not even a dream.
This is not my dream will never end.

Don't be sorry.
I'm fine.
I think.

Wah! I fixed my white framed eyeglasses! I can wear it again. Yey! I'm using my digital camera to take pictures of myself. Sigh. I'm in misery again. I miss my mobile phone again. I was not even able to take a picture with that phone. Arfgh! Darn culprit. Curses! May dalawa pa akong zit. Shit! I can't have them in my face. Ay, isa na lang pala. I popped it. Waaaaaaah! Notice my haircut too. I look like a old fashioned lesbian. Haha, parang totoo sa personal. (So sorry bestfriend, I just can't stand the frustration inside, the urge to cut my hair. I need my own identity.) Walang kokontra! Bagong gupit ako ang I feel beautiful. Isispin nyo na lang beauty is really in the eyes of the beholder. (period)

OMG! I can't hear anymore the noise of my dear neighbors. Wah! I'll sleep now...
Ok, I'm awake. It's lunch already. My parents were talking about our migration to Canada. Sigh. I told them I can't live with my relatives. I can't live with silence of the suburbs. My parents say if we migrate, there's no more coming back. Wah! Sorry but I can't go there if that's the plan. No. No. No.

Hmmm... what should I do now? Oh I know. I'll play basketball. Yey! Tah tah!

Mr. Green's emotion.

First of all, I want you to meet Mr. Green.

I'm feeling better now. I think I'll be fine again. My appetite has back. I'm normal. I'm in love. I'll be hurt? I don't know. I don't know why it's fine with me to talk about his gloomy past rather than what we have now. There's a pinch in my heart every time his ex-bf walk in to our conversation. I know he still love him... a lot. I just can't stand seeing him like that, lonely. If only I could fetch his ex-bf (even it hurts me a little bit. Bit lang naman e. Ok lang sakin.) If only I could change his mom's thinking. If only I could bring the ocean to him. If only I could make the best cakes. If only I can give him a pool of spaghetti. If only I could bring him to a playground that's full of joy, being carefree like a kid again. I would. I just don't like seeing him wrinkling his face, eyebrows meet, pouting his lower lip, closing his eyes and wait the salty liquid flows down to his cheeks. It's hard for me be with him and there I am, nothing can do, nothing can think of to make him happy. Still, I want to be with him. Willing to do anything to see his smile. His smile that launches a thousand ships. Sigh. It's already him that I breathe in and breathe out. I'm being corny again. There's no need for me to bleed to know I'm alive. I just don't want reality yet.

I was been warned by Rod to stay away from people who still have hang-over with their ex. (OMG, I miss Bonnie. I want to hug him. I'll visit him soon. Bonnie, your're gonna meet your Dad again, it's me! Tears. LOL.) I was asked by my Mom why I care so much about this person (It's the first time my Mom has seen and heard me being like this.) All I can do is to sigh. Just sigh. Sigh... and Sigh some more. I smile.

Sigh... again... I'm in love... for the 3rd time. This I mean Real Love. kakafrustrate. hehe...
Ngayon nagddiet ako... when I mean diet, nagpapataba. Kain-Tulog mode ito. And I worked-out too pero titigil ko muna, inaaraw-araw ko kasi ang pagbubuhat e. weekends ko nlnang gagawin yun. Sigh... wala kasi magawa tuwing semestral break. sigh...

hindi pa rin ako over dun sa pagkawala ng aking Mobile Phone. Sigh... binubuhos ko na lang ang aking emotion sa pakikinig sa musika. kanta dito, kanta doon. Sayaw dito, sayaw doon. sa bahay lang naman e.

Sem break, wala akong pera, kainis. Naghahanap ako ng pwedeng itutor. may alam ka ba? Preferably elementary. n_n sigh. sana magkapera na ako.

sigh... ang pagbabago ng aking template ay dahilan ng aking pagbabagong buhay. n_n
Bading pa din ako, wag kayo magalala.

trust, love, kindness and care... stupidity

I never thought that I'm gonna be this stupid. After a break-up, I meet a guy named Mark Angelo Hernandez, he's cute as in cute na gwapo. We talked a lot, he rang me sometimes, give me load... Nice huh? I actually felt something for him. The second year CSB student taking up MMA and I decided to meet last Saturday. So we did. I went to Vito Cruz, played billards with him. Drink Starbucks with him and Sing Videoke with him. Lahat gastos nya. One thing that I disregard is that hindi nya kamukha ang picture na binigay nya. Pero ok lang. I'm not seeing him while I'm talking to him naman dati e. I know mabait xa. While Singing, hiniram nya phone ko. Well sa Starbucks naman kasi pinahiram ko sa kanya phone ko kasi sabi nya sira phone nya so I was so kind. So there I was with him in the Videoke bar under the Providence Tower. Ayun nga hiniram nya phone ko, pinalitan nya ng sim. I thought he'll go to his unit, well hnd pala, tinakbo nya phone ko. Yah I know I'm stupid. That is what I called trust and kindness. Ngyon nahihirapan na akong magtiwala kahit kanino. I lost 17k. Gastos ko kasi sa phone, lahat gastos ko. Saya! I came home depressed and gloomy.

Kahapon ko lang naiiyak lahat. I was singing Taralets by Imago and hardly finish the song kasi iyak ako ng iyak. I was watching tv and I stroked a pose, then I realize, it's just a waste of time kasi wala na phone ko...

Ngayon pasingitsingit lang ako ng sim sa Phone ng iba...

Matatagalan pa bago ako magkaron ng bagong CP. It would take me several months.

Matatagal din ang pagiging single ko(?).

Ayan ang ginamit nyang picture sakin... click nyo na lang kung gusto nyo makita kung gaano ka cute yan. hehehe pero hndi xa yung magnanakaw.

To my relatives: o hayan.. tell my parents naman magaling ako pumili sa mukha. x_x

Ang pagdadalaga at pagbibinata...

Napanuod ko na ang pagdadalaga ni maximo oloveros sawakas! haha pagpasok namin ni Aika sa cinema 2 walha! daming tao... mga 18... haha dami nu??? 18 peepz sa loob ng cinema 2 ng SM san Lazaro. akalain mu yun?? saya... ganda ng muvie,, kaming dalawa lang ni Aika ang nagiingay. as in. ang ingay namin. hahaha. ganda ng storie ng movie... sa mixi ang landi. tinalo pa ako at ang dalawang bading na katabi namin ni aika. LOL. panu naman kasi, pagpasok ko sa CR, nakyutan ata sakin, inirapan ako ng isa o di kaya type ako ngf kasama nya na bf nya. haha. ayun. saya. kainis nga lang, hnd ko napanuod yung pagbibinata or should I say, Sarong Banggi. Kainis. hintayin ko nlng sa Video City.

Should.. would... could....

I dont know what to do. Honestly I dont know. It has been 9 days and still im stuck without anything holding me. I've been flirting with other people but i never thought that I will feel like this. I just can't accept the reasons why and the fast exchange of time.

I still want to know all the things that is happening to him but I know I should not. Could I still read his entries even I know that the post after will stab my heart. Would I take him back? Can I? May I? I dont know? even chances, miracles and time is not at my side. We still contact each other but ways of talking wouldn't be the same again. Everything won't be the same again.

My plans got wasted. I'm a total loner... I'm everyone's loser. I'm nothing. I may be the best that everyone dreamed forever of but in reality, forever is not the way it seems to be.

The usefull police.

one afternoon. I was going to Rod's house. I met a old police in a jeepney. wait! tagalog na nga lang. so ayun, sumakay sya sa jeep at dada ng dada. he was talking about himself that day and he's about to go to the church. to make the story short. in the end, hindi pala xa magbabayad sa jeepney driver. ang saya nyang police.

The Fight.

Conservative and the unsensitive had a big fight over the fone. They just textd each other, not called. Takot ako. Muntikan na kaming magbreak dahil sa aking pangaasar. forte ko kasi yun. ang pangaasar. Nataranta ako kaya tawa ako ng tawa. ganun ako kapag natataranta. natatawa at pinagtatawanana ang mga katawatawa. pinagttripan ko ang mga taong nasa paligid. buti naman ok na kami. mas minahal ko xa ngayon kasi s alahat ng relationship ko ay hindi nagkaron ng away. saya, nagaway kami. Until now hindi pa rin kaming lubos na magkakilala. pero ok lang. Mahal ko xa.

The Package to Heaven.

I was in the jeepney when we passed a man lying on the road. Nagingisay xa. I dont know if some one helped him. Bababa sana ako ng jeep kasi lahat nakatingin lang sa kanya at walang tumutulong. kawawa. imbis na trumpets ang naririnig nya e ay horns. blowing horns and the unstable sound of jeepneys and the silent murmurs of the people around him. I just wished that a good samaritan appeared.

Ang pananabik sa Konserbatibo

ANG PANANABIK SA KONSERBATIBO

Sa Pagpasok ko sa aking kwarto, rinig ko ang nakakabulahawna ingay ng mga pusa sa aming kapit bahay. Naalala ko bigla pagatatalastasan namin ni Rod tungkol sa tuwing nagiingay ang mga pusa. Nangyari ang pagatatalo namin habang nagiingay ang mga pusa sa bubong ng kapit bahay. Natatandaan ko pa ang mga kaluskos at kalmot sa nabubulok na yero, ang bubong ng kapit bahay. Sabi ni Rod ang mga pusa ay nagtatalik sa tuwing sila ay nagiingay. Mali si Rod. Nagaaway nuon ang mga pusa.

Hindi pa rin tapos ang ingay ng mga pusa. Sinilip ko, hindi sila nagaaway, sila ay nagtatalik. (Privacy pls! ME-ow!) Pag katapos kong malaman ang inaatupag ng mga pusa, minabuti ko ng humiga upang matulog. Biglang tumunog ang aking telepono at nakita ko si Toshio, isang batang multo sa isang nakakatakot na pilikula tungkol sa galit ng kanyang ina. Litrato ni Toshio ang wallpaper ng aking telepono. Inis na inis ang aking kamagaral na si Alexz sa tuwing pinapakita ko sa kanya ang litrato ng multo at bibigkasin ang ngalan ng multo ng "tosho!" (Tou-shuo = silent "u") Naging salitang kanto daw kasi kapag ako ang magbabanggit.

Nagtatalik pa din ang mga pusa. Niyakap ko ang aking unan na ipinangalan ko sa aking kasintahan. Iniisip kong si Dave ang aking unan sa tuwing nangungulila ako sa kanya. Muli kong pinagalaw ang unan sa aking isip. Nagising sa aking yakap ang aking kasintahan. Naingayan sya sa mga pusa. "Anu ba yan, ang ingay. Bakit pa kasi sa gabi nagtatalik ang mga pusang iyan!?" reklamo ni Dave. "Gayahin daw natin kasi sila" biro ko. "May pasok tayo bukas, sira ka talaga!" palusot ng aking mahal. Natawa ako bigla at sinabing "Edi pumasok. Papasok din ako sayo?" Sabay hinigpitan ko ang aking yakap sa aking kasintahan. "Matulog ka na nga lang" sabi niya. Muling nakatulog si Dave. (Pasensya na. Ganyan talaga ang puyat)

Maingay talaga ang mga pusa. Nagising muli si Dave at sinabing, "Hanggang ngayon hnd pa din tapos ang mga iyan!?" "Sana sinabayan nalang natin sila kanina. Edi sana mahimbing ka ng natutulog ngayon" sabi ko. "Lagpas ala-una na, matulog na tayo. Baka maabutan ka pang gising ng Mama mo" sabi niya. Hanalikan ko sa nuo si Dave at nagtalukbong kami ng kumot.

(Nalaman ko bigla na gising din pala ang aking kasintahan sa totoong buhay ng mga oras na iyon)

I'm now **cking (just suply the missing letters, it's up to you what it means!) pissed off! Why should people make my life so misserable. Hay! FYI! I'm happy on what I'm doin. I'm happy I'm crying, I'm happy I'm getting hurt... etc. I'm happy I know I'm alive! I'm happy that my parents accept me even though I'm GAY (hay! erase the "even though there!) Another FYI, being like this is not a disease for god's sake. I know that love God love's me because for how many years I'm living and being part of the so called "third-sex" I'm still alive. And thank God I'm having a great story in my life. Don't worry, kapag may na publish na ako na book about my life, ur also part of it. Sisingit singit pa kasi, pang-gulo!

Ang ganda ng gising ko ng araw na yun. tapos pinuntahan ko Mom ko galing ako sa skul para sa mabuti kong pagaaral. (Hay! take note of that, kung magbabalita naman pakidagdag. Hindi na lang yung puro story na nalalagyan ng malixus ekek Recognition naman jan for beaing creative not only in manipulating objects but also my life) ... To be continued... punta lang muna ako SM with my girl friend. hahaha

o hayan nakapunta nako ng SM, specifivaly Manila and San Lazaro. Nakapunta na din ako ng Gateway at nakapag overnyt. NAkapanuod na din ako ng cencert at nakakain ng fries at spagheti na gusto ko....

to continue... another FYI, I'm proud of my self! I dont care what people think about me cuz i know they're just papampam kasi I standout. I got super dami ng friends. And most of them are really awesome. Awesome because they are dean listers. I'm proud of my friend Aika because she won awards, Palanca award specificaly. I got super daming support from my friends. as in papatay sila para sakin, ata hehehe excage!@*&#? oh well. Nakapag pahinga na ako. I'm happy I'm accepted by super lots of people na kylangan ko sa buhay. so please! dont take them away! dont make my life miserable! thank you ^_^

Malinis kwarto ko oy!

Whew! sawakas tapos na ako maglinis ng kwarto. aftr 48 years natapos na din ako. inayos ko na din pati laman ng cabinets. hahaha except nga lang yung damitan ko. mga art supply, collection xaka books and projects hiwahiwalay na. Mga thingymajigs nakaayus na din. malaki nanaman ang space sa kwarto kaya nakakatakot nanaman. Pinalitan ko na rin ng cover ang mga dapat palitan. except the kurtina opkors. Hindi pa kasi ako nakakapagpatahi ng sarili kong kurtina. Hindi ko pa din nalilinis yung electric fan ko. hindi ko pa naayus nga yung damitan ko. dami pa din pala akong hindi natatapos. basta ang pinaka masaya malinis na ang lamesa at ilalim ng bed ko. ahihi. this calls for a celebration. horray!

here are some shots of before and after

Before



After

can't help but cry

i thought i could forget about you. bot hell no! I cant. I made me more obssesed about you. I've been so dramatic and emotional about what's happening. I made mistakes that made me suffer now. I thought I could give up on you. Now I know we we're almost there, according to you. I'm sorry that I tried to look for another person, the complete opposite of you. i never thought that I'll hurt you. I'm sorry. dont worry I broke up with him. our relationship just lasted for four days. I hope everything would not change. please dont let Bonnie Bear sleep on your cabinet. I want him beside you while you are dreaming. I'm so stupid. very stupid. I've decided. made mistakes. I'm suffering. can't help but cry.

OUT & PROUD

Whew! that was really the news of he week. naubos load ko ng 4 days lang. feeling ko tuloy celebrity ako. Ang daming kbabalaghan na mga nangyari sa bahay. That's wha I like about my home. Medyo kagaya ko ang ngyari ky Rustom of PBB sa bahay ni kuya pero kabog ko xa. dalawang butterfly ang dumapo sakin. hehehe. heto nangyari...


?

Sinubukan kong hanapin pero wala akong nakita. Sa labis kong kaantukan nakatulog na ako na hindi naghuhugas ng kamay. Kinabukasan meron ulit. Nasa hita ko nung una tapos napunta sa daliri ko. Hinampas ko sa hangin ang aking kamay at may tumunog ulit sa sahig. hehe minulto ako nung butterfly.

----

This is my slogan now!

Nuon pa naman proud na ako sa sarili ko e.
Wish ko lang ganyan katawan ko!

I'm OUT!!! Yahu!!!

June 2, a lot of bad things happened. I thought I'd end up dead but no, I end up on the arms of Chio. We spend the night and morning of June 3 together. Everything that could happen happened but I'm not satisfied. I still can't feel if he feels the same way I feel for him for me even we're not yet committed to each other. I sacrificed a part of me, my rule. But that's fine now. Like what I said it happened. Before leaving The Heritage Hotel (Yes, sa Heritage Hotel, kaming dalawa lang) he asked me for a date. We'll watch the movie Omen together, I can't wait. (He loves me. He knows I love Horror film! Vaughne, wake up!)

When I reach home, I took a cool bath. The scent of my love on my body flows and slowly fades away. (Shet and drama! Parang "Beauty is skin deep, I'm deep") I texted Chio if he knows that my love is real. He answered, "Opo... alam ko mahal mo ako." Thn I replied, "... Pano ko mapaparamdam na mahal na mahal kita at hindi basta mahal lang? help??" Then the sweetest conversation happened via SMS that suppose to be face-to-face.

Aika and I watched the movie Manay Po on the afternoon. Before the movie ended, I told my bestfriend that I'm not happy with the movie. Yah its funny and really nice but I'm not happy. I'm depressed. I told my gay and bi friends not to watch the film. (sorry po. Pero tangkilikin nyo pa rin ang piulikulang Pilipino!) It is a source of inspiration, you'll love the film but is the story could happen in real life? After the movie, I was dancing like fever. Manay, Manay po there. Manay po here… I was crazy. I liked the steps and song although I don't know the whole lyrics.
When I came home, I remembered that I asked God for a sign. What is the sign for? Not so long ago, I always tried to tell my Mom about my sexual orientation but I always fail. I need to know the right time. I locked my self on my room and texted my Mom.

"Mama, may matagal na akong gustong sabihin. Pero kahit hindi ko rin
naman ata sabihin e alam nyo na. Pansin nyo naman sakin yun bata pa lang ako. Pansin nyo rin naman na most of my friends are girls. Hinihintay ko lang na
tanungin nyo ulit ako tulad dati (when I was still in HS). Pero ayoko na
maghintay kaya ako na magsasabi, Bading ako. wala naman masama dun e. medyo natagalan ang pagamin ko because I'm afraid of Dad. He told me before that he doesn't have a son like me... I love you and I know that you love me. I hope
nothings change after this..."

My mom told me that they love me. (Aika, kaso hindi sinabi na kahit ako na ang pinaka masamang anak e. hehe kasi ako na ata yung pinakamasamang anak wakekeke) They want me to change. If need something, I just need to ask. They will look for guidance council, psychologist or psychiatrist to help me. It's hard for me to say that I can never change again. I've tried to avoid it and tried to change but this is already who I am. They have expectations. They don't want me to live my life alone and lonely. They're afraid that I might end up no where. I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a child of dreams. I was able to feel and experience all. If I will fail, I can start a new beginning, I can stand again.

I was also texting Yuri, my friend, about how big the impact of the movie to me. Yes, it's really big. Thanks to the movie I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a Gay-Man. I was able to explain why I became like this. Now, I'm just on my room, afraid of what's for me outside.

I thank chio. He asked why. It's because he's the source of everything. Without him, I can't move. He is my inspiration, my reason. I was able lo make him smile then he asked "... sino ba ako. I can't even return almost everything you gave." (This is it; I can still give more you know!) Then I asked if he knows who he is to me and why I let "something" happened on the hotel. He said yes and "I'm sad kasi I know you deserve more. And I know I'm depriving you of what you need to have." (Ahhh! The same reason kung bakit nakikipaghiwalay sakin mg ex ko. What's wrong!?) I asked if we could talk over the phone. He declined then he said, "I'm gald I have you right now... and I'm really happy... let's just settle for that and enjoy what we have muna." (Muna? I can still wait and hope.)

Tapos na pictorial ng Education Journal. Some said that our department, Arts and Lay-out, had the best shot. Just some. I was realy pissed of by Bobby. After the pictorial its turn for the Mobile Phones to take place. Yah, took some pictures using my camera phone. Back to the picture. I asked Bobby to have a picture with me. After the shot he said, "standout." what is he implying. I know he's cute. yah cute as in next to kapangitan. He really start to pissed me off, actualy nakapag simula na xa nung una pa kaming magkita. Arfgh!

Hmmm... buti na lang magaganda mga gising ko. know why??? It's all because of Chio. Yep, I've fallen in love with him. He is so cute as in next to beautiful. He is so understanding and kind. I don't really care if he's gonna leave me. (he needs to fly to Australla, to his Dad) I just need to be happy that I've met someone who can fill my life even for just a not so long time. Excited na ako kasi sasama nya ako sa Heritage Hotel. Kaming dalawa lang. Haha wag sana maudlot. I can't wait!!! lapit na kasi e.

La lala lala...

My days are getting worst. Yesterday i woke up with a very red eyes. I didn't know that that is the effect of wearing an expired contact lenses. Shet, I love my contact lenses. Now I just have to throw them away. Then at school, my classmates in Logic call me genius. They say it's because our professor like my attitude, way of thinking and i have to pay back for the quizes i missed, absences and tardiness. My grades are going down because of of my stupidity. See? I'm not genius, I'm stupid! I'm so stupid not to wake up early. I'm suppose to have a failing mark already beacuse of my absences but our professor doesn't want to fail me, i know, because I think. hahaha, hope that my classmates are not mad at me.

In my Computer class, wow finally something interesting came up. Yes! I learned something I can use. I learned new tags for webpaging using html. I really like my work. Some retro freaks and girlalous, maybe, will like it. here it is!. Remember to click the "Sign up here" on the upper left hand cornder ah!!! astig yung ilang ginawa ko dun e hehe. Medyo nakakabadtrip din kasi may Ad ang yahoo... pero ok na rin yun!

Then I'm missing Chie. We're not texting very often. as in not often. not even sometimes. huhuhu... Chio is the one who's cheering me up by texting time to time. Asking simple questions or greetings. Also, naka UNLIMITXT ako!!! My friends are already mad at me because of the jokes I sent them are so korni. Well that's me! but i still don't know if chie and I will have a date. Mr. Lonely again. I understand him naman e. He's with his family now so he should enjoy. I know he prioritize them a lot. I just have to be happy for him. I should try without thinking of my misery. I'm glad I met another person named Chio (different from Chie, here you go Aikz!). but I think my feelings for Chie will now go to Chio...

Xet! my nakalimutan pa ako. Grr... nu kaya yun!? Ayun! I'm getting ahard time telling my Mom about me beaing a Gay-Man already. Well, I'm not yet really sure. but, one thing for sure, magugulat mga friends ko na hindi na ako Bi. everytime I want to approach my Mom parang ayaw ng panahon. Una, I was ready to approach her but she went to her bedroom to sleep. Tapos minsan wala naman xa sa bahay. Then, after I get my allowance, I went out of her room and think. Kung aamin na ba talaga ako. So I went back to her room, she fell asleep. I remember a quote that God squizes us to bring out the best in us. Shet, presure! I'm confident, have a very high sef-esteem but I still lack the courage to speak and decide.

boredome

Aika magtaka ka!!!!

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. student
2. son
3. artist
4. annoying kid of other worlds... hehe (aika, mundo mu naman bibiktimahin ko buwahaha!!!)

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Cinderella Story (i want my own sturie)
2. Bonbonito: the revenge (hala! may muvie na ko kunyari)
3. Touch of Pink (a pink film)
4. The Grudge (english version)

Four places you have lived in:
1. Bustillos, G. Tuazon
2. Bustillos, Sancho Panza (lapit sa NU, as in.)
3. Caloocan... sa gilid ng north cemetery (oi malaki bahay namin dun!!!)
4. Balic-Balic, D. Santiago (kung san ako nakatira ngayon)

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Oprah
2. American Idol
3. Art Attack
4. Cartoons!!!

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Laguna
2. Cavite
3. Quezon
4. Bulacan

Four websites I visit daily:
1. www.vonne.tripod.com
2. aika.tinig.com
3. www.downelink.com
4. g4m.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Siomai
2. Carbonara
3. Spaghetti
4. Chocolates

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. School
2. Bahay
3. Mall
4. sa piling nya... yikee!

…so, I’m tagging them to answer this survey as well. njoy;)
1. Martin
2. Ivan
3. Carmigz
4. Luciano
5. myke
6. mark
7. Paul
*lahat sila hindi ko close hehe

---

may gusto akong iblog kaso parang ayaw ko... weird!

,,,.(T-T).,,,

There are times when a man has to say what's on his mind
Even though he knows how much its gonna hurt
Before I say another word let me tell you, I love you
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can
There's been another man that I've met and I love
But that doesn't mean I love you less
Is just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill
I'm torn between two lovers and I'm feelin like a fool
Loving both of you Is breaking all the rules
You musn't think you failed me just because there's someone else
All the things I ever said I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you
Couldn't really blame you If you turn and walk away
But with everything I feel inside I'm asking you to stay

Asked bi mute

Press 'OK' for Mute

The Darkness, Silence and Chimes
In me calling out your name
The ghost of our selves talking
until your goodnight in dawn

I opened my eyes looking at your face
The emotions you feel I see
It's killing me slowly and softly
I'm hurt bleeding for answers.

The ace inside my head mixed up
I dont know what to think
I dont know what message I'll give
I'm mute

Two strangers met with unspoken smiles
Does it mean something to you?
Yes, it means something to me
Is it the possibility I think of?

I scrubed but it wont go away
I mearly know you, you in the same way
I would like to say I care
"I care"

My slender arms always open wide
But my voice are shut closed
How will I let my heart speak?
It's the only part that's unlock

I dont want you to sleep clueless
I'm stuck in the web of dreams in day
Please don't you even wake me up
It's the exstacy I was longing

What would you feel if I touch you?
Would it be the same if I kiss you?
Would I, Will you let me?
But your not hear

I'm just a young confused being
For you, who am I?
A short word is not enough (okay)
Does I even mean something?

Worlds getting crazy in every tone
My mind and heart pumps for Love
Still they may be incompatible beings
Two extrimes may/can agree in one

pls. make a comment...

---

I'm so sorry!

I'm hiding under a blank paper.
My conscience is hurting my ear.
stop checking stop writing stop it!
I cant understand why i have to lie
give me back my paper give it to me
i cant be honest I cant for now
I wont talk about it anymore
it wont be anymore
it wont be found
Give me back my paper please
I remember you color it red
But it's not what I said
Stupid me that I have to lie
Don't praise me hell no!
Don't look up on me
I'm not worth it

---
Haha. my professor in logic wanted me to recite and he asked me mildly. I was so confused. He misses my voice. hehe so I just stood up and told everyone in the class that I was not able to read before attending his class. He just smirked and I smiled. Then he asked another question. Luckily it is connected on our previous lesson. I think this is a brand new relationship hehe.

After the Logic class. I confronted Mr. Angeles, the archi stud. I told him "Uy, sorry kahapon a. Kala q narinig ko na pwede ng umuwi after the quiz." according to him okey lang naman daw kasi akala din nila. Yung korean kasi naming classmate umalis na agad after the quiz. After the short conversation. Ayun, may tawanan ng onti at nalaman ko na first name nya, finally. (Ang landi ko!) Then I wonder, "ano kaya itsura nito kapag umiyak o kahit malungkot lang?" Know why? He is Mr. Smile. Lagi kasi xang nakasmile kahit pa pinapagalitan xa. And he owns a car by-the-way. Sa La Salle Greenhills xa naghs at 1st yr pa lang sya. bagong relationship nanaman... iyike!

In my computer class, I learned how to protect my file by putting password on it. buwahahaha
I know it sounds silly but for a person who didn't undergo a formal training about things...
think twice.

I was a cool freak

Yesterday was an ordinary day. All people noticed my Emo hair. Hair? Yep, as always, I changed my hair style time to time. Mitchie, my block mate, entered my mind because she made a song about my hair. One line goes like this, in the tune of "noypi" of bamboo "Kamusta na si Bonn na one sided..." I found my self laughing because when you say one sided about your hair, you put the division or hati in one side of your head, its either on the left or right side and I decided to put the division on my left. Then I hold down my bangs and I put some volume and height in the top and back part of my head. Gets? (hopefully kasi trying hard ako mag-english)

Then my parents drive me to school. Yep! My parents escorted me. Hahaha for the first time, to school and they're both with me. In the class, Mr. Matiaz, my Logic professor and some classmates gave a comment on my hair. They want me to comb my hair. (Trivia: I don't fix my hair using a comb or brush but only with the use of my hands) Their comment is the same with the comment given to the cute (mapagpanggap na amerikano according to Mr. Matiaz) Archtecture student, Mr. Angeles. (Sorry, I don't know yet his first name).

So Mr. Matiaz gave a comment and I didn't like what he said. He said, "You're an elementary teacher and you're going to teach with that hair. It's indecent (not proper)." I would like to comment back, if I were to reply on what he said, our conversation would turn like this:

Me: "I have the proper clothes or things bring with me in class, I would come prepared"
Prof: "Why? Am I not wearing anything? Also, I'm teaching college student and not elementary pupils"
Me: "I am still in college Mr. Matiaz and according to you, you're teaching college and in college, people should be more decent and proper. Dnd besides, at least may buhok!" (evil laugh)

Am I naughty or not?

I like Mr. Matiaz than Ms. Raquel Jimenez, my previous Logic professor but I hate his attitude. To think, he wants to continue discussing after he give us a very complicated 4 questions. Take not, every question is equal to 25 points. Grr...

---

Before I came home yesterday, my friends in my Computer class reminded me about Goth because they're all looking at a gothic themed artwork in deviantart.com. When I got home, I bring out my black accessories and black clothes, and the gadget that I love most, the digital camera. How do you picture me in a gothic outfit? I like it a little because the lighting is not good. This is only one of the few shots taken (cancel the emo + goth = ??? ):

---

I was looking for a computer shop because my brother was using our PC. Then I found one. I left the shop not noticing that I forgot my mobile phone in the desk where I seated. The cute guy who is managing the shop ran after me and called "kuya, phone nyo po, nakalimutan mo!" If he’s not that cute, I would grab my phone and punch him. Do I look that old? I think he's the one should be addressed as "kuya." Hey, FYI, I just turned 18 last month and I should only be addressed as "kuya" by my siblings and my pupils-to-be when I begin teaching. Calling me kuya by a stranger older than me is an insult.

Grabe!
bakit nga ba grabe na lang lagi ang aking panimula?
ewan ko, ako din hindi ko alam.
basta ang alam ko, marami na ang mga pangayyaring nakaligtaan kong isulat e este i-type pala.
sisimulan ko nalang sa nangyari ngayong araw o kaya ay kahapon.
kahapon nagsimula ang summer classes ko at iyon ang pinaka ayaw kong araw.
Ang init, sobra. bully yung prof ko sa Logic tapos worst pa ang prof sa computer at una kaming magrereport. kami, oo kami. may 3 babae akong naging kaibigan sa klase.
At, naging kklase ko si Ken, isa sa mga crush ko.
Ngayon, tapos na ang report. Maraming na namangha. Naimpress naman ako sa prof ko sa LOgic.

long awaited entry...

hndi ako makapag blog!

Bading! Bading! Bading!

Everyone was late but it's ok. 4 people we're already having fun in the swimming pool even the sun is at its peek. The ambiance is different from before.

The word of the night is bading. The party was great and exhausting.
I don't know how but we had continues flow of cigarettes, soda drink and liquor. Most of us were really drunk. I was drunk too but I was able to slow everything down. I even took several video clips of what happened. I drank beer, tequila, gin, brandy and vodka. Most of us were craving for menthol cigarette. Speaking of cigars, I hated what happened. My image to my classmates were changed (again). I confess, I use to smoke because of presure but I stop it when I was in 3rd year high school.

The fun is amazing and revealing. The party animals were united again and we danced on the swimming pool like the day wont end. After the party, lots of crying happened. I stayed awake until 3:30 am to comfort my friend, Kish. I felt the emotions and sacrifices she did for her ex-boyfriend, a monkey (just kidding, it's Martin Mijares). I was embracing her while she cries and vomit beside the pool. I was also there while she took a bath. I asked her friend Anna to take a bath with us and help Kish when something happen. (Hey! I'm still considered as a boy that's why I should not be there alone.) When I was about to sleep, Angel ("takas") fell down in front of me. I was shocked because I didn't know what to do. I thought everyone was already sleeping. Gladly she woke after she fell and able to drink water then she went to her room and sleep again.

When I woke up, that's the time I felt that I was drunk. I'm having a hang-over. I watched the videos in my phone and I was shocked that when I'm drunk, I can be who ever I dont wanna be. I was BADING...

The pictures will soon be online, sorry for the inconvenience. It's just that my body is aching.
I still need to change the size of the pictures.
I'm still broke, I need money for Chinee's birthday and our barkada outing.

My Dad wants me to move to our new house even it is not yet fully furnished. He also wants me to bring the PC when I'm prepared to leave. I'll be moving out next week...

Too excited for the first fun out

2 days ago, I was doing something when my Mom interrupts me. She told me that their still something to finish and print. Ok, so finish it, finish it fast, I said.
"You’ll be the one to do it"
"Me? Ok where is t?"
"Just type this… and that… and print it after"
Then I was already printing it and the printer where out of ink so I shouted "Mom! We're out of ink"
"Just print it outside" my mom replied.
It was almost 12-midnight already when went outside to look for an available computer shop. My sister was with me because she supposed to treat me a chocolate ice cream. I can't believe it. I was with my annoying sister. Hay, you can't blame me,

You scream, I scream, every loves Ice cream…

Then we found one. At the window of the shop, I saw Romeos cousin. I didn't know what to do if I'll enter the shop or my sister will be the one to enter and do the job. Luckily, my sister said "mahal dyan!" So I rapidly walk across the street.

We're about to go to Ministop for the ice cream. When I was going to the freezer, I saw Rea's, old friend and schoolmate who lost her pathway, parents in front of me. It was my first time seeing her Dad. "OMG, I'm wearing our school PE short, they might recognize me. What I'm gonna do?" said to my self. I just walk in front of them and pretend that I don't know them.

There I was in the freezer, looking for my ice cream, and my sister said "wag na lang, and mahal pala" Grrr… she's really annoying! I thought she just wasted my time but not really. We’re about to get out of the store, I saw Rea's cute brother. I stared at him and I notice that he's wearing our elementary PE shorts (We studied in the same school, NS). I saw him stared at me knowing I wearing UST's PE short then he looked at somewhere because he saw me starring at him. I now know how poor and ashamed they are. I always see Rea's family, they're always smiling. I thought of Rea for a moment about what she had done to her life, their life. Then I feel sorry.

I was not able because Mic'a wants to play with me. I was amazed, dogs can actually think and make strategies.

ZSAZSA ZATURNNAH ZE MUZIKAL RERUN!!!
April 20, 21, 22, 23, 27, 28, 29 & 30
7:30 pm at the new PETA THEATER CENTER
Sunnyside Drive, Bgy. Kristong Hari,E. Rodriguez Ave, QC
(at the back of Quezon City Sports Club)
Call Tanghalang Pilipino at 8323661
RESERVE YOUR TICKETS EARLY!!!
SOUNDTRACK ALSO AVAILABLE
text 09166687316

I was not able to buy the soundtrack, I hope my parents will give me th greens hehe... I need to memorize the song sang by Ada & Zsazsa while talking to his father

Arfgh!

ahhh!!! know what!?
Tinanong ako ng Dad q kung bading ba ako, last night. Nawala ako sa sarili ko!!!
Tapos heto pang site ko... hnd ko pa maiayos-ayos...
I'll be out of town pa bukas and I'm not yet prepared...

This is the picture you'll see in the home part...



I should finish everything after chinees debut.
and, i still need to learn to use brushes. hope Best Friend Aika will help me. and besides, I'm just using Adobe 6.0. Yah I know! I'm primitive. Alexz sez 7.0 is way better than the CS. I just need to have 7.0 and some brushes and I'm ready to learn.
Pls. do make a commet about my new template. I'll be changing this page soon. I just need ideas and forget about envying others work.

Later dayz!

On the Heat!

Whew! The school year fnally ends. Now I got the time to sleep but this just means that I got no allowance. tsk tsk tsk... I wasn't able to save money beacuse of hunger and bills to pay. So, maga-advance na lang ako ng subjects. hehe para naman kahit papano may pera ako kahit pa mahirap ang course na kukunin ko.

Speaking of summer! I officialy opened summer awhile ago when my barkada was on ther review for the ECCPP exam. I was coloring a part of my hand with marking pens. I used green, pink and orange colors and I use my blag pen to outline the image. I draw 3 maple leaves and jazed it up around. Whala! instand removable tatoo. I know it shows a three maple leaf but i still think it's summer, we dont have autumn season here!



also, I'll be out of town on
March 27-28 : Antipolo with some classmates, "class outing"
April 01 : Cavite / Las Piñas, Chinee's 18th birtday
April 02 - 04: Bulacan with barkada

After a few rest, I'll be focusing my attention in finishing our the "The Crest Haven," compilation of artworks and literary works. Victorian ang gagamitin kong theme. I know its a bit far from the title of the compilation and the dominican priest might see the 'crest' that we are pertaining to the bumps at the butt of the victorian haha. I was inspired to work harder on everything I do because I found several blogs that really made me cry. Now, I should finish my degre in UST then I'll jump to DLSU to take an Art Program that fits me. Here they are Robbie, Paul, Kneeko, Mark (i hope its ok for these people to see their names at my entry post).

I cant take this anymore!

Pagkatapos kong magblog at umuwi, nagparamdam si Meo. kinausap ko xa pero hnd din naman nagtagal ang conversation kaya SMS na lng. I'm really going crazy already. bukod sa puyat na ako, hnd ko pa alam ang tamang gawin. Kaya dineretso ko nalang si Meo at Bee.

Meo and I
Meo: ...
Vaughne: Ei, sori kung l8 reply q. Kakabasa ko lng. I was thinking of yu few minutes ago. I dont know kung mahal na kita or kung mahal pa b kita. Habang nagrereview ka for ur exams i met som1, nagkakamabutihan na kmi tulad natin nun. Minsan naman naiisip ko ex q. Nahahati ako sa 3 ngyn. hnd ko alm kung bkt p kylangan mangyari 2. iniisip q, i should live my life alone para wala ng masaktan. Namimis ko company mo xaka yakap mo nun. Hnd ko na alam gagawin ko q o may dapat b akong gawin kc tinatamad na aq sa mga nangyayari skn. Mahbang usapin kung kkwento ko p. ='(
Vaughne: Wala kang ginawang masama. Aq yung masama. MAdali akong magsawa pero bumabalik din naman. Alam ko na nagiging player na aq pero hnd q matanggap. I hate players kya kinamumuhian ko na rin sarili ko kahit hnd ko kasalan o ginusto. Kinukwento kita minsan kay Beej, ung nakilala q. Hnd ko alam kung pano ko maaayos lahat ng mga nangyayari sakin. kung pwd lang sana...
Meo: Meron ka na ngayon? kung mahal m ung ex mo at ung bago mo ngayon ayos langsaken.. Maghihintay na lang aq. Ayoko din po na mkagulo pa sayo o dumagdag pa sa mga iniisip mo... Miss na miss kita.. Kaso bigla ka na lng hindi nagparamdam kaya inisip ko ayaw mo na saken.. Ako wala pa din akong relationship ngayo at binigyan m n aq ng rason para d ulet muna magmahal..
Vaughne: ZzZzZz
Meo: Siguro nga sawa ka na. Nagsawa ka na agad sakn.. Pero ok lang un.. Miss q din ung yakap mo... Kelan ulet kaya kita mayayakap? Napakacold mo na saken eh...
Vaughne: zZzZzZ
Meo: I love you.. kakagising ko lang po... I love you.. I miss you
Vaughne: Halikan kita dyan e.
-End

Bee and I
Vaughne: Bee may problem aq. Mahal mo'ko, mahal kita pero mahal q rin x romeo, mahal na nya din ako. Hnd ko alm ddwin ko, dami ko ng problem ngayon ='( Nagiging player nako pero hnd ko matanggap. I hate players kaya I hate my self. hindi ko na lam gagawin ko. Mabuti na alam mo 2 upang malaman mo na wala akong tinatago. Magkaibang-magkaiba kayo pero parehas ko kayong mahal. Do i have to choos? Nahhrapan nako kaya tinatamad na ako sa buhay ko. Tel me ur side. Hindi ko na lam tlaga. Nagiging cold nako sa lahat ng tao kahit sa aso namen. Minsan hindi na kita maintindihan sa pagiging sensitive mo hnd mo alam kung ano ibig ipahiwatig nga tao. But stil m trying not to give up on you. Natatakot na nga ako e. you told me na sana ako na husband mo pero everything turns to be much harder for me to see. Nahihirapan na rin akong sabayan ka. Mahirap pa ako sa daga. You also tld me before na hnd ako desrving for you. I'm trying bee, m trying. Hnd nga kita ma give up dahil mahal kita. Sana hindi masira araw mo kagaya ng sakn ngayon. Sobrang hirap ng esam ko pero hnd ako nakakapagaral, magtetest akong walang alam. Ang dami kong problemang walang sagot. Sana maintindihan mo at matulungan ako kung alam mo ang mga sinasabi mo sakin.
Bee: I know its hard but we have to decide. we have been into a long run. I think we better separate ways =( mas nauna sya kya u prioritize him. Lam ko sa simula pa lang e u have dat feelings na. that's y i realy cant fall on u kc nararamdaman kang u still have the communication kahit sinasabi mong wala talaga and its over. i better be out of ur way para walang maguluhan, for us to be settled, I guess we're not meant to be. Just think the fact na hindi tayo magkakilala. Agen, I'l go away para wla ng conflict. tnx for everything =) I'l miss u . dont wori m ok. i hope we made the ryt decision. pagbutihin mo sa exams and so do i. god bless.
Vaughne: zZzZzZz
-End
Vaughne: (gusto ko sanang magreply...) Pano kaya na magiging tayo e self-centered ka. u really cant trust me do u? sinabi ko na ngang more than 2 weeks na kaming hnd naguusap ni Romeo ayaw mo maniwala! Honest ako honest! wala akong tinatago, hnd ako marunong magtago bee. masmabuti na ngang hnd maging tayo, we can't push our self to.

Paking shet!

Kainis, ang dami na ng mga nangyari sakin at wala akong motivation. Final exam na rin namin pero here I am, not holding even a single leaf of a book. Wala talaga akong kwentang magaaral.

About my Final exams, hnd ako nakapagtest sa ETAR kc hnd pa ako nagbayad agad. The dominicans wont let me take the exam. I already have the check and I flont it infront of my teacher but he still wont let me take the exam. I ran to the accounting office and the line was Whow! so I got nothing to do but stay in the line kahit pa gutom na giutom nako. Buti naman mabilis yung paggalw-galaw ng mga treasurer.

Zsazsa Zaturnnah.. hu! nanood na kami ni Aika kasma si Dean mh ZsaZsa Zaturnnah ze Muzikal. Astig ang show. Ang galing ni Eula Valdes xaka ni Agot Ysidro xaka ng gumanap na Didi... Actualy, si Didi talaga ang bida dun, hindi si Ada. hehe... Ang kinaiinisan ko lang e sumakit yung pwet ko sa panonood. Hindi ako nakabili ng sound track, yung ang isa pa na kinaiinis ko. The songs were great! I love the song Ada sang in front of his dead father. The theme is the acceptance of the heart and accept the child for who he/she is. Napaisip ako. Kung aminin ko na kaya sa magulang ko na nagevolve na ako. Na hindi na ako si bonbon kundi si bonbonito na. Isang malanding lalake. Alam ko alam na nila ang tungkol sakin, ayaw lang nilang tanggapin. I remember my brother was playing warcraft and I was watching a gay themed film. Then our cousin aprouch my brother. Natwa na lang ako sa pinagbubulungan nila. Nagtanong yung pinsan ko, hindi ko na rinig pero naintindihan ko kung ano yung tinanong nya. Sabi ng kuya ko "sa palagay ko." "tanungin mo nga!" mu cousin said. "Yoko nga, bka kung anu pa mangyari," my brother replied. Gusto ko na sanang makisali at sabihin na "Itanong na kasi, sasgutin ko naman!" haha... sana lang nga tama ang hinala ko. So back to the song. Kapag nagdalwang isip pa ang mga magulang ko, then I'll sing "bukasan ang iyong puso at ako'y iyong tanggapin...." How's that?

Romeo Romeo Romeo, where art thou Romeo... Wala na si Romeo. Wla na xa sa puso ko ngunit nasa isipan pa rin. Nagusap kami using SMS. buti na lang at madaling araw na at may signal na ako sa sun. Ganito yung Conversation...
Romeo: Kamusta ka na, miss na kita. bakit ang cold mo na ata?
Me: Sori but I have to change.
Romeo: bakit?
Me: Sori, I just have to...
Tapos nakatulog na ako. Wala kaong kwentang mangingibig... Hindi naman naging kami ni Romeo pero nagkakamabutihan na kami... parang kami pero hnd kami. Ganun na rin ang ngyayari samin ni Beej ngayon... Grabe, ang bilis kong ma fall-out of love... Biglang kasing dumating si Beej. Nagkagulo kami ni Beej pero kahit kakakilalapa lang namin e hinarap ko yung gulong yon at tinanggap naman nya. Ei, hindi pa kami, hinihintay lang nya akong mag propose. Sana nga dumating pa sa puntong makapagpropose ako... kahit may nararamdaman na akong katamaran sa buhay ko. kaya kayong mga nagpaparamdam, motavation naman dyan! Alam ko wala na si Adrian sakin pero ang lakas ng impact ng pagkawala nya... I keep on saying na wla na xa pero laging andyan yung friends nya na pinakilala sakin at nagpapalala na may natitirang messages pa sa Inbox ko galing sa kanya. tapos may text pa ng text sa Sun ko e tinatamad na nga akong gamitin yun kaya sorry na lang sa kanya...

Happy Birthday to me... Napuno ang Inbox ko sa dami ng greetings. Kait sobtrang dami, hindi ko pa rin naramdaman na birthday ko. Niinggit ako sa mga kabarkada kong babae kasi lagi namin silang binigibyan ng surpresa sa debut nila. Wait, I still hve to stick in mind na lalake ako. I have to wait until I'm 21. I'll be selebrating my Manhood! So birthday ko nung 12. wala lang, parang sinabing birthday ko lang. Inaasahan kong bibigyan ao ng malaking halaga ng pera or pagkagising ko nandun yung kumpare ng aking Ama at nagluluto ng espesyal niyang spaghetti na kulay orange. pero hindi, pagkalabas ko ng kwarto, wlang surpresa, wlang bulaga. Ang pinaka nagustuhan ko lang nung araw na yun ay nung madaling araw na at binukasan ko na yung card na binigay ni beej. for a moment nakalimutan ko na birtday ko na nung araw na yun at nung kinagabihan ay nagselebrate kami ni Aika at Dean. Kumain kami sa Ministop ng Icecream. Kahit papano, nakalimot ako sa kaarawan ako. Nung araw na yun, opisyan na wla na kaming NSTP pero kinailangan ko pang pumunta s USTe para dun. Bago ako pumunta, dumaan muna ako sa bagong bahay para magparamdam ulit na "helow, may anak po kayo na gusto na kayong bigyan ng birth certificate na nagsasbing kaarawan na nya ngayon at kayo ang kanyang mga magulang, helow? helow!?" so binigyan na ako ng pera. pero hindi pa rin sapat. Ginawa kong lahat upang lumigaya manlang. buti pa yung mga katulong, marinig lang ang pangalan ni batista sa telebisyon e nagmamadali na at iniiwan ang kanilang mga trabaho. buti pa ang mga katulong, pinaalala kung kailan ang birthday ko at nung pagkagising ko e sila ang unang bumati sakin. Well, anu nga naman ang kwenta ko. Yung bagong bahay malaki xaka 3 floors e ako payatot ay 5'8" lang ang tangkad. yung bahay matanda na at dapat talagang alagaan e ako binata pa lang at kaya pang magpuyat. Dun sa Med-Audi medyo sumaya ako kasi may kumanta ng "Vincent" at para yun sa isang tao na kaarawan din nung araw na yun pero hnd ako yun. Napakanta na lang din ako, kulang na lang lumuha na rin ako dahilsa parehas kami ng buhay ni Vincent.



Mic'a! Chou... May aso nanama kami. kinalbo ni kuya para maalis ang mga garapata at gamutin yung sugat. napaka-playful nung aso kaya minsan nakakinis kasi lagi akong iniistorbo. Arf! Arf! Arf! ayan magkakalat na xa...

marami pa akong kailangna ayusin sa buhay ko. Sa school sobrang dami, as in. p[alibhasa tinatamad na kasi talaga ako. Sa bahay naman, si Mudra ang daming pinapagawa sakin at ang gusto naman ni ama nandun ako sa bagong bahay upang tumulong na rin sa mga gawain. Panu pa kaya ang Lovelife ko? Ang dami pa saking nagiimbitang lumabas this summer e i'm planing panaman na magaral na lang para kahit papano may pera naman ako. haay bahalana si batman...

Later days guys...
wish me luck for my furute, sna nga meron ako nun!

Malate Night

My night was a blast (and here's my Dad mocking me about snicking-out last midnight.) Hindi dapat matutuloy pero natuloy pa rin. Romeo and Paul fetched me. I found out that Romeo's mobile phone is broken. I don’t know what to do if I,'ll treat him and use his money to fix his phone but I also in need of money. I have 1000 pesos 1 day before but now 200 pesos left. So there we were in Fluid. We meet up Barbie, Mykel and Mark. The bar was a really amazing. It has “cages” where drunk costumers can dance all they want but limitations (hey! What is that?!) When I went to the balcony, I saw a bouquet of blue roses. I picked one and gave it to Romeo. I was dancing with him, only him but there are pests surrounding us. (Who am I to feel that way anyway? I’m not yet his boyfriend.) I didn’t know what to do so I just bought a beer to warm my self and bust-up my confidence. So there was I trying to get closer and closer to him but I was conscious about my breath because it smells beer, Romeo doesn't drink beer. My body was in heat but really tired. I felt like I swum a 200 meters with butterfly stroke.
We went home around quarter to 6:00 am. I did enjoy my night. Before I got home, Romeo hugged me in front of his friends and I felt my ears clapping. Hehe kilig!
I didn’t sleep because Mr. Sandman won’t let me yet. I’m sure, after making this blog, I’ll run to my room and collapse into my bed.

Let's Pump it!

Sawakas!
Hindi ako nakalangoy sa swimming competition. Medyo mahirap tanggapin pero ngayon ok na ako. hehehe bkt? Nakuha ko na supplies ko e I got my shirt, pants and a large bag. Pero hindi talaga yun e, I came there to swim, hindi maging alila. So there. may naihati naman ako for the team. Ako bumili ng lunch namen, in short, naging utusan ako ni George, our beloved coach. Ok lang din naman kasi I had fun. In the afternoon, we had four 18" pizza from Yellow Cab. hehe sarap. Si Fr. Roy naman hnd na pinansin yung hairr ko. kaya masaya na rin talga. I requested Yuri to make our issue the front cover of The Courier, the official news letter of our college.



Last Saturday was the cosplay event entitled "Ai No Hi: Nihon Night." It was Awesome! I was feeling celebrity because puro picture taking and cameras. My name was not Bonbonito but Ren Tao of Shaman King. It was really great. One reason is that some was able to notice my contact lenses, which is color yellow. I even gain new friends. My weapon was broken and someone helped me fix it and some invited me to a cosplay team. Guest what, I would be the main carachter of the team and beat that, I refused. Adik na nga ata ako. Deki is also inviting me again to the O-Zine fest this April. So, kailanagn kong magpatahi ng panibagong costume. Hmm... san ko naman kaya kukunin ang money na gagastusin ko for the costume... If I'll attend the said event, I'll be cosplaying Kuki Seishiro or Samurai Showdown. Sana bigyan ako ni Mama. I really hope so.

Let me break it down, k?

WOW grabe, kulang kulang ang mga blogs ko ngayon. Sige, I'll do my bets na ilagay lahat ng mga memorable things as in yung mga na memorize ko. Ok, here it goes.

Split na kami ni Phetititzzz este Adrian pala. Last December 28 nagbreak na kami. Ok lang sakin actually kasi it is not in my nature na magpahirap ng tao. Masmaganda na nga talaga na maghiwalay kami with good memories. Kaso ang pangit ng Christmas vacation ko, hindi ko manlang nasulit. Hmpf! Hehe I tried my best to move on kasi ako aanga-anga parang hindi alam na break na nga pala kami kasi ang tagal magsink-in sakin ang lahat ng mga pangyayari. I let go without knowing the reasons for myself why I’m letting go of someone I love.

So ayun, before mag-start ang klase, I started chatting again. Just looking for new friends, hanggang dun lang. Marami ako nakilala at most of them ay sex lamang ang habol. Sinabi ko na sa kanila na conservative akong tao at nakikipagsex lamang ako sa taong mahal ko. Kainis, mahirap bang tanggapin yun na may tao pang ganun? So ayun, dun ko nakilala ang bago kong friend na si Ryan.

Bumalik na ang klase, hindi ako nakapag focus sa studies ko dahil sa trahedya na naganap. Buti nalang pinasa pa rin ako ni Lord kahit hindi na ako nakapag review for my prelim exams. Pagkatapos nun kala ko hindi na ako gagambalain ng alaala ni Adrian, aba pati panaginip ko pinasok.

May pinakilala naman sakin ang girl friends ko sa 2Ed1 na foreigner. Si Keith, cousin ni May, dati kong ka klase. First time kong nakipag fling at sa Australlian pa. Before Keith leave the country binigyan ko sya ng leather wristlet at binigyan naman nya ako ng mainit na halik na may kasamang sugat sa labi dahil may braces sya sa harap pa ng crush ko. Gusto ni keith na pumunta kami sa CR kaso ayaw ko kasi aalis na ako and maraming tao.sa 1611 that time and I know lasing na sya. So ayun umalis ana ako para umattend ng another party. Hindi na ako nakapag goodbye sa kanya kasi naubusan ako ng load.

After few days ata nalaman ko na may bago na si Adrian, si Gab. Bestfriend ni Kim na buddy ni Adrian. Bigla ko naalala yung mga sinasabi ni Kim. Pero hindi ko na isheshare dito, akin nalang muna yun. Napakilala sakin nila Adrian at Kim nuong kami pang tatlo hehehe si Gab. Gusto kong umiyak kasi nung nakipag break si Adrian sakin, walang luha na tumulo kaya kahit papano gusto ko talaganga umiyak pero walang lumalabas. Nakakainis yung ganun diba? Ang weird pa ng feeling. So ayun, sana ok sila at walang halong bitterness dun.

Finally sumuweldo na ako sa Ej this time. Nakakuha ako ng 6k at 1 week ko lang xa inubos, saya diba. Hindi manlang nabiyayaan ang iba kong friends. Si Aika hindi ko manlang nabigyan ng cake kahit hindi sya mahilig dun kasi chocolate ang ibibigay ko kasi yung ang pamurito ko.

Dito naman pumasok si Ryan, newly found friend. Sa UST din sya nagaaral. Hindi na muna ako magkukuwento tungkol sa kanya kasi wala lang. Basta cute sya at mabait. Hindi pa naman kasi kami ganun magkakilala ng lubusan pero kailanagn sa Valentines, which is monthsary dapat naming ni Adrian (Bonn tama na! This is not about both of you anymore.) ayun dapat magdate kami. Kailangan may pera na ako nun...

Nilulunod ko sarili ko sa music and sound trippings ngayon. I love the songs of Kelly Clarkson and Cueshe right now. Fit na fit sila sa mood ko, nakakadala...

I'm falling again...

Gosh! I'm falling again... not falling apart but falling in love. haaayz! I like being in love. The sensation you get while thinking of the person you love and the beats of your heart getting weird. ^_^ haaayz... We met just yesterday but we know each other a few weeks already. We started chatting then texting then talking. He's sweet, funny and smart. I still does'nt know his real personality but I can't wait to know him better. I just wish that he feels the same way. I mean, hope that he wants to know me better. And if he wants to, I'll do my best to attract him. hehe... Who's he? lets just call him "Folen_Angel." I also hope that it's not an accident that he fall over me hehehe... All I can do is hope, for now.

kala ko panaman ok na ako...

Super tagal na ng kami'y nagwalay, halos magiisang buwan na. Kala ko naka-move on na ako pero bigalang bumalik sa dati. kala ko over na. Natanggap ko na na wala na sya at hindi na dapat panag balikan o pabalikin. Ngunit ang pinaglaruan at isa pala ako sa collection ng 3 months old na mga exs. bakit ganun? anu ba ginawa ko na para tanggapin ang ganitong klasing respeto galing sa kanya? tanong, ano ba akong klaseng tao para sayo? haaayzzz...

Tapos hindi ap ako nakapanood ng USTv. ang aking matalik na kaibigan ay walang tigil ang pangiinggit sakin. May picture pa sya kasama si Bianca Gonzales. Anu ba yan!

Last week may 6k ako. Ngayon 300 pesos na lang, kailangan ko ng 700 pa para sa pambayad sa mamamatay tao, may ipapa-patay ako.