June 2, a lot of bad things happened. I thought I'd end up dead but no, I end up on the arms of Chio. We spend the night and morning of June 3 together. Everything that could happen happened but I'm not satisfied. I still can't feel if he feels the same way I feel for him for me even we're not yet committed to each other. I sacrificed a part of me, my rule. But that's fine now. Like what I said it happened. Before leaving The Heritage Hotel (Yes, sa Heritage Hotel, kaming dalawa lang) he asked me for a date. We'll watch the movie Omen together, I can't wait. (He loves me. He knows I love Horror film! Vaughne, wake up!)
When I reach home, I took a cool bath. The scent of my love on my body flows and slowly fades away. (Shet and drama! Parang "Beauty is skin deep, I'm deep") I texted Chio if he knows that my love is real. He answered, "Opo... alam ko mahal mo ako." Thn I replied, "... Pano ko mapaparamdam na mahal na mahal kita at hindi basta mahal lang? help??" Then the sweetest conversation happened via SMS that suppose to be face-to-face.
Aika and I watched the movie Manay Po on the afternoon. Before the movie ended, I told my bestfriend that I'm not happy with the movie. Yah its funny and really nice but I'm not happy. I'm depressed. I told my gay and bi friends not to watch the film. (sorry po. Pero tangkilikin nyo pa rin ang piulikulang Pilipino!) It is a source of inspiration, you'll love the film but is the story could happen in real life? After the movie, I was dancing like fever. Manay, Manay po there. Manay po here… I was crazy. I liked the steps and song although I don't know the whole lyrics.
When I came home, I remembered that I asked God for a sign. What is the sign for? Not so long ago, I always tried to tell my Mom about my sexual orientation but I always fail. I need to know the right time. I locked my self on my room and texted my Mom.
My mom told me that they love me. (Aika, kaso hindi sinabi na kahit ako na ang pinaka masamang anak e. hehe kasi ako na ata yung pinakamasamang anak wakekeke) They want me to change. If need something, I just need to ask. They will look for guidance council, psychologist or psychiatrist to help me. It's hard for me to say that I can never change again. I've tried to avoid it and tried to change but this is already who I am. They have expectations. They don't want me to live my life alone and lonely. They're afraid that I might end up no where. I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a child of dreams. I was able to feel and experience all. If I will fail, I can start a new beginning, I can stand again.
I was also texting Yuri, my friend, about how big the impact of the movie to me. Yes, it's really big. Thanks to the movie I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a Gay-Man. I was able to explain why I became like this. Now, I'm just on my room, afraid of what's for me outside.
I thank chio. He asked why. It's because he's the source of everything. Without him, I can't move. He is my inspiration, my reason. I was able lo make him smile then he asked "... sino ba ako. I can't even return almost everything you gave." (This is it; I can still give more you know!) Then I asked if he knows who he is to me and why I let "something" happened on the hotel. He said yes and "I'm sad kasi I know you deserve more. And I know I'm depriving you of what you need to have." (Ahhh! The same reason kung bakit nakikipaghiwalay sakin mg ex ko. What's wrong!?) I asked if we could talk over the phone. He declined then he said, "I'm gald I have you right now... and I'm really happy... let's just settle for that and enjoy what we have muna." (Muna? I can still wait and hope.)
When I reach home, I took a cool bath. The scent of my love on my body flows and slowly fades away. (Shet and drama! Parang "Beauty is skin deep, I'm deep") I texted Chio if he knows that my love is real. He answered, "Opo... alam ko mahal mo ako." Thn I replied, "... Pano ko mapaparamdam na mahal na mahal kita at hindi basta mahal lang? help??" Then the sweetest conversation happened via SMS that suppose to be face-to-face.
Aika and I watched the movie Manay Po on the afternoon. Before the movie ended, I told my bestfriend that I'm not happy with the movie. Yah its funny and really nice but I'm not happy. I'm depressed. I told my gay and bi friends not to watch the film. (sorry po. Pero tangkilikin nyo pa rin ang piulikulang Pilipino!) It is a source of inspiration, you'll love the film but is the story could happen in real life? After the movie, I was dancing like fever. Manay, Manay po there. Manay po here… I was crazy. I liked the steps and song although I don't know the whole lyrics.
When I came home, I remembered that I asked God for a sign. What is the sign for? Not so long ago, I always tried to tell my Mom about my sexual orientation but I always fail. I need to know the right time. I locked my self on my room and texted my Mom.
"Mama, may matagal na akong gustong sabihin. Pero kahit hindi ko rin
naman ata sabihin e alam nyo na. Pansin nyo naman sakin yun bata pa lang ako. Pansin nyo rin naman na most of my friends are girls. Hinihintay ko lang na
tanungin nyo ulit ako tulad dati (when I was still in HS). Pero ayoko na
maghintay kaya ako na magsasabi, Bading ako. wala naman masama dun e. medyo natagalan ang pagamin ko because I'm afraid of Dad. He told me before that he doesn't have a son like me... I love you and I know that you love me. I hope
nothings change after this..."
My mom told me that they love me. (Aika, kaso hindi sinabi na kahit ako na ang pinaka masamang anak e. hehe kasi ako na ata yung pinakamasamang anak wakekeke) They want me to change. If need something, I just need to ask. They will look for guidance council, psychologist or psychiatrist to help me. It's hard for me to say that I can never change again. I've tried to avoid it and tried to change but this is already who I am. They have expectations. They don't want me to live my life alone and lonely. They're afraid that I might end up no where. I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a child of dreams. I was able to feel and experience all. If I will fail, I can start a new beginning, I can stand again.
I was also texting Yuri, my friend, about how big the impact of the movie to me. Yes, it's really big. Thanks to the movie I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a Gay-Man. I was able to explain why I became like this. Now, I'm just on my room, afraid of what's for me outside.
I thank chio. He asked why. It's because he's the source of everything. Without him, I can't move. He is my inspiration, my reason. I was able lo make him smile then he asked "... sino ba ako. I can't even return almost everything you gave." (This is it; I can still give more you know!) Then I asked if he knows who he is to me and why I let "something" happened on the hotel. He said yes and "I'm sad kasi I know you deserve more. And I know I'm depriving you of what you need to have." (Ahhh! The same reason kung bakit nakikipaghiwalay sakin mg ex ko. What's wrong!?) I asked if we could talk over the phone. He declined then he said, "I'm gald I have you right now... and I'm really happy... let's just settle for that and enjoy what we have muna." (Muna? I can still wait and hope.)
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