I'm now **cking (just suply the missing letters, it's up to you what it means!) pissed off! Why should people make my life so misserable. Hay! FYI! I'm happy on what I'm doin. I'm happy I'm crying, I'm happy I'm getting hurt... etc. I'm happy I know I'm alive! I'm happy that my parents accept me even though I'm GAY (hay! erase the "even though there!) Another FYI, being like this is not a disease for god's sake. I know that love God love's me because for how many years I'm living and being part of the so called "third-sex" I'm still alive. And thank God I'm having a great story in my life. Don't worry, kapag may na publish na ako na book about my life, ur also part of it. Sisingit singit pa kasi, pang-gulo!

Ang ganda ng gising ko ng araw na yun. tapos pinuntahan ko Mom ko galing ako sa skul para sa mabuti kong pagaaral. (Hay! take note of that, kung magbabalita naman pakidagdag. Hindi na lang yung puro story na nalalagyan ng malixus ekek Recognition naman jan for beaing creative not only in manipulating objects but also my life) ... To be continued... punta lang muna ako SM with my girl friend. hahaha

o hayan nakapunta nako ng SM, specifivaly Manila and San Lazaro. Nakapunta na din ako ng Gateway at nakapag overnyt. NAkapanuod na din ako ng cencert at nakakain ng fries at spagheti na gusto ko....

to continue... another FYI, I'm proud of my self! I dont care what people think about me cuz i know they're just papampam kasi I standout. I got super dami ng friends. And most of them are really awesome. Awesome because they are dean listers. I'm proud of my friend Aika because she won awards, Palanca award specificaly. I got super daming support from my friends. as in papatay sila para sakin, ata hehehe excage!@*&#? oh well. Nakapag pahinga na ako. I'm happy I'm accepted by super lots of people na kylangan ko sa buhay. so please! dont take them away! dont make my life miserable! thank you ^_^

Malinis kwarto ko oy!

Whew! sawakas tapos na ako maglinis ng kwarto. aftr 48 years natapos na din ako. inayos ko na din pati laman ng cabinets. hahaha except nga lang yung damitan ko. mga art supply, collection xaka books and projects hiwahiwalay na. Mga thingymajigs nakaayus na din. malaki nanaman ang space sa kwarto kaya nakakatakot nanaman. Pinalitan ko na rin ng cover ang mga dapat palitan. except the kurtina opkors. Hindi pa kasi ako nakakapagpatahi ng sarili kong kurtina. Hindi ko pa din nalilinis yung electric fan ko. hindi ko pa naayus nga yung damitan ko. dami pa din pala akong hindi natatapos. basta ang pinaka masaya malinis na ang lamesa at ilalim ng bed ko. ahihi. this calls for a celebration. horray!

here are some shots of before and after

Before



After

can't help but cry

i thought i could forget about you. bot hell no! I cant. I made me more obssesed about you. I've been so dramatic and emotional about what's happening. I made mistakes that made me suffer now. I thought I could give up on you. Now I know we we're almost there, according to you. I'm sorry that I tried to look for another person, the complete opposite of you. i never thought that I'll hurt you. I'm sorry. dont worry I broke up with him. our relationship just lasted for four days. I hope everything would not change. please dont let Bonnie Bear sleep on your cabinet. I want him beside you while you are dreaming. I'm so stupid. very stupid. I've decided. made mistakes. I'm suffering. can't help but cry.

OUT & PROUD

Whew! that was really the news of he week. naubos load ko ng 4 days lang. feeling ko tuloy celebrity ako. Ang daming kbabalaghan na mga nangyari sa bahay. That's wha I like about my home. Medyo kagaya ko ang ngyari ky Rustom of PBB sa bahay ni kuya pero kabog ko xa. dalawang butterfly ang dumapo sakin. hehehe. heto nangyari...


?

Sinubukan kong hanapin pero wala akong nakita. Sa labis kong kaantukan nakatulog na ako na hindi naghuhugas ng kamay. Kinabukasan meron ulit. Nasa hita ko nung una tapos napunta sa daliri ko. Hinampas ko sa hangin ang aking kamay at may tumunog ulit sa sahig. hehe minulto ako nung butterfly.

----

This is my slogan now!

Nuon pa naman proud na ako sa sarili ko e.
Wish ko lang ganyan katawan ko!

I'm OUT!!! Yahu!!!

June 2, a lot of bad things happened. I thought I'd end up dead but no, I end up on the arms of Chio. We spend the night and morning of June 3 together. Everything that could happen happened but I'm not satisfied. I still can't feel if he feels the same way I feel for him for me even we're not yet committed to each other. I sacrificed a part of me, my rule. But that's fine now. Like what I said it happened. Before leaving The Heritage Hotel (Yes, sa Heritage Hotel, kaming dalawa lang) he asked me for a date. We'll watch the movie Omen together, I can't wait. (He loves me. He knows I love Horror film! Vaughne, wake up!)

When I reach home, I took a cool bath. The scent of my love on my body flows and slowly fades away. (Shet and drama! Parang "Beauty is skin deep, I'm deep") I texted Chio if he knows that my love is real. He answered, "Opo... alam ko mahal mo ako." Thn I replied, "... Pano ko mapaparamdam na mahal na mahal kita at hindi basta mahal lang? help??" Then the sweetest conversation happened via SMS that suppose to be face-to-face.

Aika and I watched the movie Manay Po on the afternoon. Before the movie ended, I told my bestfriend that I'm not happy with the movie. Yah its funny and really nice but I'm not happy. I'm depressed. I told my gay and bi friends not to watch the film. (sorry po. Pero tangkilikin nyo pa rin ang piulikulang Pilipino!) It is a source of inspiration, you'll love the film but is the story could happen in real life? After the movie, I was dancing like fever. Manay, Manay po there. Manay po here… I was crazy. I liked the steps and song although I don't know the whole lyrics.
When I came home, I remembered that I asked God for a sign. What is the sign for? Not so long ago, I always tried to tell my Mom about my sexual orientation but I always fail. I need to know the right time. I locked my self on my room and texted my Mom.

"Mama, may matagal na akong gustong sabihin. Pero kahit hindi ko rin
naman ata sabihin e alam nyo na. Pansin nyo naman sakin yun bata pa lang ako. Pansin nyo rin naman na most of my friends are girls. Hinihintay ko lang na
tanungin nyo ulit ako tulad dati (when I was still in HS). Pero ayoko na
maghintay kaya ako na magsasabi, Bading ako. wala naman masama dun e. medyo natagalan ang pagamin ko because I'm afraid of Dad. He told me before that he doesn't have a son like me... I love you and I know that you love me. I hope
nothings change after this..."

My mom told me that they love me. (Aika, kaso hindi sinabi na kahit ako na ang pinaka masamang anak e. hehe kasi ako na ata yung pinakamasamang anak wakekeke) They want me to change. If need something, I just need to ask. They will look for guidance council, psychologist or psychiatrist to help me. It's hard for me to say that I can never change again. I've tried to avoid it and tried to change but this is already who I am. They have expectations. They don't want me to live my life alone and lonely. They're afraid that I might end up no where. I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a child of dreams. I was able to feel and experience all. If I will fail, I can start a new beginning, I can stand again.

I was also texting Yuri, my friend, about how big the impact of the movie to me. Yes, it's really big. Thanks to the movie I was able to tell my Mom that I'm a Gay-Man. I was able to explain why I became like this. Now, I'm just on my room, afraid of what's for me outside.

I thank chio. He asked why. It's because he's the source of everything. Without him, I can't move. He is my inspiration, my reason. I was able lo make him smile then he asked "... sino ba ako. I can't even return almost everything you gave." (This is it; I can still give more you know!) Then I asked if he knows who he is to me and why I let "something" happened on the hotel. He said yes and "I'm sad kasi I know you deserve more. And I know I'm depriving you of what you need to have." (Ahhh! The same reason kung bakit nakikipaghiwalay sakin mg ex ko. What's wrong!?) I asked if we could talk over the phone. He declined then he said, "I'm gald I have you right now... and I'm really happy... let's just settle for that and enjoy what we have muna." (Muna? I can still wait and hope.)