Uncertain of what I really need...

Arfgh! my body clock is broken because of parties and my heart and mind are still uncertain because of loving. sigh. It's like i'm left broken and have no idea what i'm doing. You'll often see me now, tulala. The expresion I always do that bugs Erick. He says, I got this certain look that he doesn't know if i'm happy and contented or I hate what I'm doing. I dunno. should I hate what I'm doing? What I hate is that I lost so many points according to Rod. Darn it! It's not my fault I don't have gay friends. Wait, what points? For what? Oh yah, turn-off. I need a group of gay friends. I need to learn. I need to enjoy who I am. I need people who'll accept me. I need belongingnes. Sigh. I need to get involve with my gay life.

*click the picture to see my gay friends and the fun we had in malate last Saturday.

My super shit, ex boyfriend and I had a chat. It's nothing to fuzz about..

Drew: Is this Bonn Vener Monzon?
Drew: Is this Bonn? ... Kamusta ka na?
Me: I don't know what you're talking about.
Drew: So this is Bonn. You gave my number daw to a guy with the name Geoff?? Kamusta na po?
Me: I don't give anyone's number and I don't know any guy named Geoff. Get Lost.
Drew: Bitter still. Gawd. I'm Sorry.. But I don't have to say Sorry Forever.
Me: You don't have to. I understand and accept that it's in your nature.
Drew: Is this you?? Is this Bonn?? Parang hindi. Btw. The guy told me you're lying.
Me: Yah. It's not me. I don't lie.
Drew: I really would like to apologize, but now I know you won't accept it. Maybe never. Well, I see nakapagmove on ka na agad. And I'm happy you did. I pray for you good fortune.
Me: Thank You. Don't worry, you’re forgiven.
Drew: Galit ka pa ata eh? Sorry talaga. I hope we can be friends... I really hope so. Kung alam mo lang yung sermong inabot ko from my friends dahil sayo hehe. Botong boto kasi sila sayo. Pero di nga? Am I?
Me: Friends? They don't deserve someone like you. Yes, you are forgiven kaya wala na tayong dapat pagusapan pa.
Drew: Kei Kei. That's all. Kei Kei.

Project Runway's Daniel is a fag!

My days are so weird lately. I clipped my nails, I cut my hair, I cleaned my room, I swept the floor and dusted everything, I washed the electric fan, I changed my bed sheet, blanket and pillowcases. Yep! Also the pillowcase that I always smell, that I haven't kissed for a long time now. (bakit nga ba? I'm actually respecting the person I think my pillow is. You won't understand it for now. It's a fantasy thing.) There goes his scent to the laundry. I did my laundry too. I did my whites awhile ago. I even gave my mom a pedicure. Well, that's exchange for 50 bucks. But no joke, I only do these things when I experience something I didn't like. I always end the day wondering what's wrong but then I wake up asking what's right then I start doing these stuffs. Hmmm... I don't know anymore what to think. I don't know what's coming. I don't know what to expect. I just hope it's not bad or else I'm gonna paint the whole house pink. Just kidding on pink, maybe white would do. Just two things I haven't done yet and that's rearranging everything and have a 30 minutes shower.

Speaking of pink, my room turned out pink after cleaning. And coincidence, the topic on the radio was what comes in your mind when you hear the word pink. Whoa! How's that!? I actually remember my friend Amanda. She's really into pink. Is pink really the color of life today? Here’s some picture I've taken. (*click the picture for a larger view in my album.)

Love 'em? One picture I didn't add there, here it is and I call it Brokeback. For the information of everyone, I'm not fascinated to pink. I love maroons, florescent orange and dark turquoise. (Thank you Rod for letting me your hat and I'm sorry until now, I haven't returned them.) Rod and I already talked about his stuffs. I'm gonna return them on Wednesday. Rod is really nice. He's my 2nd real love. Hehe. We didn't turn out boyfriends and boyfriends but we're good friends. He knows some things that my bestfriends doesn't know. And some of those are the things that MTRCB will reject.. Laughing out loud. But the person who really knows most of what's happening in my life, it's Aika, my bessy. One thing too, the blue study lamp that you see in my desk, that's not mine, that's EJ's lamp. I brought it home after my finals and I'm gonna return it too on Wednesday when I get my clearance in school. I don't know that it's bad bringing home something that the office owns. Not until I asked my Mom when I was cleaning her toes. My life is really unacceptable and I’m sorry. Sigh.

I think tumataba ako. I feel it. Yey! Ganyan talaga kapag ginugutom. At kapag ginugutom, only child ako! Whooo! For continues development, I created a routine and I'll post it on my wall. Hey, I'm not really OC, I just tend to forget things easily.. What's your name again? I just need some things to remind me what to do. I know it's a kid thing but hey! Walang pakelamanan. Hehe. I'm just afraid that I might not comply to what I've settled. Tsk tsk tsk. Over and out.

I'm very special

My neighbor's noise made me stand from my bed and write a blog. My Gosh, It's passed 1 am in the morning. (Ang sabihin mu, ganyan ka lang talaga kapag bago template ng blog, mahilig kang magsulat ng kahit anu!) Hmmm... what's to blog about? Shucks! My house is no good for sleepovers when someone else in the neighborhood is having a party.

I'm kind of in a stage of disequilibrium. So many endeavors to live with. I sigh. First, I should "higpitan ang aking sinturon" because I'm so broke right now. Actually I'm always broke. So what's to fuzz about? Oh yah! The whole family should make "tipid" because so many bills to pay. I don't know if I could come at the g4m's First Birthday celebration in Bed, Malate on Thursday. Again, I sigh. Second, I broke my Boombox. Nice huh!? The Cassette player and the radio part is still in good condition but the CD Player is already dead and I don't know why and how. What!? I was listening to the #7 song of the band 7 foot Junior then suddenly their music stopped. I checked it out and it won't even play other CDs anymore. I cried. I'm a dead man. I don't have money to fix the machine and jamming with music is where I'm putting my emotions. Wah! What should I do? I can’t tell my parents. Okay, I'll tell them later. Sigh.

So there I was, chatting with some friends. Some are old and some are new. Sigh. Anna, a friend way back in high school, made my day. I told her some parts of my life because she asked me to. LOL. It's been about 4 years since our last talk/chat. She's in Canada already. I miss her. She's so nice and beautiful. We bacame friends when I courted her friend, Camille. I won't tell the story how she made my day. Basta, she made me happy and I miss her company. I was also able to chat with Myro and guess what!? He read my blog. Yah! He actually did! He told me. I actually tried to stop him but he was already reading my blog. Sigh. He read a part of how I feel about him being sad. Sigh. He told me that we're gonna have a talk in person. And what did I say, I said "takot ako, pass muna.." LOL. What is that!? I'm so nervous. Ok, I'm afraid, I'm very afraid. I don't know what to think. I have no idea what exactly we're gonna talk about. Am I gonna be dumped? I dunno. Just wait... and be prepared. (Negativity, please go away from me) Sigh.. Ngiwe. tsk tsk tsk

I said, Negativity stay away! Because of the negative thinking, I was able to make this. (Sorry, I'm just a little frustrated.)

If dumped

Where will I found someone another you?
Will he look for me?
Is he?

I'll just try to love again.
That's what I'm good at.
I think.

I should not cry in the outside.
You should not see me like this.
I'm not torn apart.

You're not looking at me.
You're not looking for me.
You shall not be affected.

I'm not crying.
Yes, I'm wont.
Please don't ask anything.

This is not reality.
This is not even a dream.
This is not my dream will never end.

Don't be sorry.
I'm fine.
I think.

Wah! I fixed my white framed eyeglasses! I can wear it again. Yey! I'm using my digital camera to take pictures of myself. Sigh. I'm in misery again. I miss my mobile phone again. I was not even able to take a picture with that phone. Arfgh! Darn culprit. Curses! May dalawa pa akong zit. Shit! I can't have them in my face. Ay, isa na lang pala. I popped it. Waaaaaaah! Notice my haircut too. I look like a old fashioned lesbian. Haha, parang totoo sa personal. (So sorry bestfriend, I just can't stand the frustration inside, the urge to cut my hair. I need my own identity.) Walang kokontra! Bagong gupit ako ang I feel beautiful. Isispin nyo na lang beauty is really in the eyes of the beholder. (period)

OMG! I can't hear anymore the noise of my dear neighbors. Wah! I'll sleep now...
Ok, I'm awake. It's lunch already. My parents were talking about our migration to Canada. Sigh. I told them I can't live with my relatives. I can't live with silence of the suburbs. My parents say if we migrate, there's no more coming back. Wah! Sorry but I can't go there if that's the plan. No. No. No.

Hmmm... what should I do now? Oh I know. I'll play basketball. Yey! Tah tah!

Mr. Green's emotion.

First of all, I want you to meet Mr. Green.

I'm feeling better now. I think I'll be fine again. My appetite has back. I'm normal. I'm in love. I'll be hurt? I don't know. I don't know why it's fine with me to talk about his gloomy past rather than what we have now. There's a pinch in my heart every time his ex-bf walk in to our conversation. I know he still love him... a lot. I just can't stand seeing him like that, lonely. If only I could fetch his ex-bf (even it hurts me a little bit. Bit lang naman e. Ok lang sakin.) If only I could change his mom's thinking. If only I could bring the ocean to him. If only I could make the best cakes. If only I can give him a pool of spaghetti. If only I could bring him to a playground that's full of joy, being carefree like a kid again. I would. I just don't like seeing him wrinkling his face, eyebrows meet, pouting his lower lip, closing his eyes and wait the salty liquid flows down to his cheeks. It's hard for me be with him and there I am, nothing can do, nothing can think of to make him happy. Still, I want to be with him. Willing to do anything to see his smile. His smile that launches a thousand ships. Sigh. It's already him that I breathe in and breathe out. I'm being corny again. There's no need for me to bleed to know I'm alive. I just don't want reality yet.

I was been warned by Rod to stay away from people who still have hang-over with their ex. (OMG, I miss Bonnie. I want to hug him. I'll visit him soon. Bonnie, your're gonna meet your Dad again, it's me! Tears. LOL.) I was asked by my Mom why I care so much about this person (It's the first time my Mom has seen and heard me being like this.) All I can do is to sigh. Just sigh. Sigh... and Sigh some more. I smile.

Sigh... again... I'm in love... for the 3rd time. This I mean Real Love. kakafrustrate. hehe...
Ngayon nagddiet ako... when I mean diet, nagpapataba. Kain-Tulog mode ito. And I worked-out too pero titigil ko muna, inaaraw-araw ko kasi ang pagbubuhat e. weekends ko nlnang gagawin yun. Sigh... wala kasi magawa tuwing semestral break. sigh...

hindi pa rin ako over dun sa pagkawala ng aking Mobile Phone. Sigh... binubuhos ko na lang ang aking emotion sa pakikinig sa musika. kanta dito, kanta doon. Sayaw dito, sayaw doon. sa bahay lang naman e.

Sem break, wala akong pera, kainis. Naghahanap ako ng pwedeng itutor. may alam ka ba? Preferably elementary. n_n sigh. sana magkapera na ako.

sigh... ang pagbabago ng aking template ay dahilan ng aking pagbabagong buhay. n_n
Bading pa din ako, wag kayo magalala.

trust, love, kindness and care... stupidity

I never thought that I'm gonna be this stupid. After a break-up, I meet a guy named Mark Angelo Hernandez, he's cute as in cute na gwapo. We talked a lot, he rang me sometimes, give me load... Nice huh? I actually felt something for him. The second year CSB student taking up MMA and I decided to meet last Saturday. So we did. I went to Vito Cruz, played billards with him. Drink Starbucks with him and Sing Videoke with him. Lahat gastos nya. One thing that I disregard is that hindi nya kamukha ang picture na binigay nya. Pero ok lang. I'm not seeing him while I'm talking to him naman dati e. I know mabait xa. While Singing, hiniram nya phone ko. Well sa Starbucks naman kasi pinahiram ko sa kanya phone ko kasi sabi nya sira phone nya so I was so kind. So there I was with him in the Videoke bar under the Providence Tower. Ayun nga hiniram nya phone ko, pinalitan nya ng sim. I thought he'll go to his unit, well hnd pala, tinakbo nya phone ko. Yah I know I'm stupid. That is what I called trust and kindness. Ngyon nahihirapan na akong magtiwala kahit kanino. I lost 17k. Gastos ko kasi sa phone, lahat gastos ko. Saya! I came home depressed and gloomy.

Kahapon ko lang naiiyak lahat. I was singing Taralets by Imago and hardly finish the song kasi iyak ako ng iyak. I was watching tv and I stroked a pose, then I realize, it's just a waste of time kasi wala na phone ko...

Ngayon pasingitsingit lang ako ng sim sa Phone ng iba...

Matatagalan pa bago ako magkaron ng bagong CP. It would take me several months.

Matatagal din ang pagiging single ko(?).

Ayan ang ginamit nyang picture sakin... click nyo na lang kung gusto nyo makita kung gaano ka cute yan. hehehe pero hndi xa yung magnanakaw.

To my relatives: o hayan.. tell my parents naman magaling ako pumili sa mukha. x_x