Emotionally disturbed aspiring Dad.

This is one of my few long blog entries.

Few days ago I was very emotionally depressed and I don't know why. (siguro addict ako?) I tried to focus myself to one aspect of my life, my lovelife. I thought the guy could brighten me up but he didn't. Instead of building a relationship with him, I made him go away. I was very gloomy and down. I wasn't able to sleep that Monday night. 12:00MN, I decided to go standby at 7-11 near my place and puff a stick of cigar. My sister was still awake so I told her I was just at 7-11. I got bored, I SMS several friends to accompany me  and in my luck, Irving was still awake with our common friend Martin. I went to Irving's place and there, we chitchatted, check some really hot guys online and the two had a photoshoot with makeup on their face. Because of Martin, I was inspired to updated this blog. (Thanks Martin!) Me and Martin slept in Irving's place. Martin left after lunch. I was suppose to leave too but Myrrh was coming.

While waiting for Myrrh, Irving's-maid's-son, Reg was so bibo and we were talking while I surf the net.  Reg was asking so many questions. If only I wasn't able to lengthen my patience, I won't fall in love with the kid. I somehow felt why he was so kulit maybe because he doesn't have any friends in Manila and Irving was the only "guy" in that house. Also, Irving's friends came over so he was there to enjoy the crowd. Before dinner, Irving, Reg and I went to the market. Reg held my hand. I was actually enjoying what we have established to each other on out first meeting. (My syblings and I wasn't able to be like that.)  Reg told me that Irving was really good to them and among Irving's friends who were there, I was the only straight guy. I laughed. Irving noticed that Reg and I were already close to each other. I told Irving about what Reg told me.

When we came home, Alf and Thadani were already there. Thadani and I wasn't talking to each other. Okay, Thadani is the guy I was talking about. I was upset but now It's over. Before eating dinner, Jeck came and after that, Martin came back. The group watched Gossip Girls but I'm not into that kind of TV series. Finally, I SMS my Mom, "Why aren't you looking for me?". That is the question in my head when I stay outside our home late. (And when I came home, they'll scold me.) She replied, "Diba sabi mo kay Neneth 7-11 ka lang, hinintay ka nya. Nagising ang Papa mo ng 2:00, hindi natulog sa kahihintay sa 'yo. Naisip mo ba yon? Ako ngayon masama pakiramdam dahil iniisip ko kung may hinihintay pa kami. Magsabi ka lang Bonn. Bakit hahanapin kita, nagpaalam ka b? Wala ka pakialam kung nagaalala kami kaya nga hinahanda ko na sarili ko may tatawag n nakakulong ka o kung ano nangyari sayo. Pilit kitang inuunawa pero binabaliwala mo kami." I wasn't finish reading her message, my phone rang. I answered the phone and its my Mom. From the tone of her voice, I knew it will lead to drama. I went outside the room, I wasn't comfortable so I went to the bathroom. We cried. I was touched about what my Mom told me. She asked me, "May hihintayin pa ba kami Bonn?" My tears fell continuously even the phone call was over. I went back outside Irving's room but I can't go in beacause I'm crying. I don't want to make a commotion. My friends heard my sobbing. I asked for tissue.

After the show, we went to Burger King. Thadani left without saying goodbye to me. I SMS him "why aren't we talking?" but I didn't recieve a reply. Before I left BK, I went outside to smoke with Myrrh and Jeck. They told me that Thadani was a good catch and they already understand why I want him. But it was too late, he's gone.

When I was already near my place, a couple with their son rode the jeepney where I was in. The kid sat on his father's lap and the mother sat beside me. I remembered Reg. I told myself I want to experience that moment with my son. I would like to have a son like Reg. I hope to see him again. Reg will go back to his town after few days. I'll miss him. I've learned that I have to make my own way for me to love a kid. I should also have patience. Well, I am an elementary teacher but dealing with kids is not really my forte.

Before I slept, I realized that I was a jerk and Thadani was too. I laughed. I don't like jerks.

A year long no relationship

Yan ang katibayan na isang taon na akong single dahil iginuhit ko yan sa aking malaking salamin nung dinala ko sa bahay ang huli kong katipan. Lol. Kadire b? haha. nililinis ko naman ang salamin ko pero yung part na yan, hindi. kasi tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, parang may thought box sa taas na nagsasabing "I'm in love". Lol. korni no? Pero ewan! hindi ko rin alm kung bakit hindi ko binubura yan pero inaamin ko naiisip ko sya dahil yun relasyon namin, pwede kong sabihin na "sayang!".

A sudden getaway

Ok. Biglaan to, as in. Nabadtrip lang kasi ako kay Jepoy kung bakit hindi sya makasama sa Puerto Galera kung hindi ako sasama e wala naman kasi sa plano ko na pumunta dun kasi kapos ako sa budget. Nagaway pa kami ni Jepoy kasi ang dami kong tanong tungkol sa mga eksena nyang ganun at hindi naman nya ako sinasagot. Nagdramahan kaming dalawa at ito ang huling salita naming dalawa..

Jepoy: Bonn, hindi laging kailangan ng matinding dahilan just to define something.
Ako: All I know, there's a reason behind everything. Hindi naman ako humihingin ng matinding explanation e. I'm wondering thet's why I keep on asking. HIndi ka naman insensitive diba?
Jepoy: Ok..

Nakakabadtrip diba? Nakkabaliw na sya. So he decided na pumunta ng wala ako. At dahil dun, gusto ko na pumunta kaso bigla kong naisip na graduating ako. Alam nyo naman ang folklore na baka mamatay ako then biglang dumating ang honorarium ko sa EJ. Ang saya diba?? I asked a sign kay God na kapaga nagtext si Jepoy about Puerto Galera pupunta ako. Suddenly napagisip-isip ko, hindi ko kailangan ng sign. Ayokong pumunta sa Galera dahil lang sa kanya. Pupunta ako dun kasi B-day ni Loida at gusto ko makasama bestfriend ko kahit pa kasama nya boyfriend nya. Kaso hindi ako nakasabay sa kanila kaninang umaga dahil may class pa ako. Tumakas ako sa school ng lunch to meet a customer, while waiting sa mall, bumili nako ng trunks and boardshort. I'm so happy kasi nakabili ako ng Billabong. After the shopping, I went back home to fix my things. Pinagsabihan nanaman ako ni mama. Pero wala na akong pakialam, she keeps me busy and I wanna unwind. HIndi pa ako nakakapag-paalam kay papa. bahala na.

Good Night. Haay...

Finally, I was home. After my dad opened the gate and doors for me, I went straight to my room. when I turned on the light, the arrangement of the room brought back a memory. Btw I rearranged my things again because someone said that the arrangement of my bed facing my 6 feet tall mirror is bad luck and I'm experiencing some unfortunate events lately. So there I was, on my bed with the lights already off and about to sleep. I texted Ken, I said, "G0od night. haaay.." after a while, my phone rang and a landline number flashed. I answered the call and a voice asked who I am. I said my name. I actually voiced the person calling but I didn't know what to say so I just pretended that I'm not familiar with his voice. I asked who he is. It's Biggie. We chatted for awhile. He said just like me, he just came home but he's drunk, from a party. Their play garnered 9 out of 20 awards. I congratulated him and he thanked me for that. He said he was sorry he weren't able to invite me because he lost his contacts in his phone. He will graduate after 2 terms pa pala. I thought sabay kami. Maybe he called because he wanna know who owns the number. How about my message, would he call if it's from me or maybe he thought it's from someone else. Haay.. was he? This questions make me think that I'm a person who doesn't have faith. Before I shut my eyes, I let him know I miss him, because I really am missing him.

Haay.. I remember the play were he invited me. I got pissed off. I wasn't able to give him my sketch of the two of us. I went to his school and waited in front of NBS. He went out to give my pass and smoked. I thought he stopped smoking. I went to 7-eleven and waited but the nerves inside me can't so I went back to the bookstore and bought a sketch pad, pencils, and an eraser. I ran to Mc Donalds and draw myself on the floor crying. haha. I was emotional that time. Oh well. past is past but why can't I move on? I don't remember him said that he loved me. I'm hoping I can change things. I wish he didn't broke up with me. Now that I know the meaning of busy, I understand that he was. I understood too late.