Emotionally disturbed aspiring Dad.

This is one of my few long blog entries.

Few days ago I was very emotionally depressed and I don't know why. (siguro addict ako?) I tried to focus myself to one aspect of my life, my lovelife. I thought the guy could brighten me up but he didn't. Instead of building a relationship with him, I made him go away. I was very gloomy and down. I wasn't able to sleep that Monday night. 12:00MN, I decided to go standby at 7-11 near my place and puff a stick of cigar. My sister was still awake so I told her I was just at 7-11. I got bored, I SMS several friends to accompany me  and in my luck, Irving was still awake with our common friend Martin. I went to Irving's place and there, we chitchatted, check some really hot guys online and the two had a photoshoot with makeup on their face. Because of Martin, I was inspired to updated this blog. (Thanks Martin!) Me and Martin slept in Irving's place. Martin left after lunch. I was suppose to leave too but Myrrh was coming.

While waiting for Myrrh, Irving's-maid's-son, Reg was so bibo and we were talking while I surf the net.  Reg was asking so many questions. If only I wasn't able to lengthen my patience, I won't fall in love with the kid. I somehow felt why he was so kulit maybe because he doesn't have any friends in Manila and Irving was the only "guy" in that house. Also, Irving's friends came over so he was there to enjoy the crowd. Before dinner, Irving, Reg and I went to the market. Reg held my hand. I was actually enjoying what we have established to each other on out first meeting. (My syblings and I wasn't able to be like that.)  Reg told me that Irving was really good to them and among Irving's friends who were there, I was the only straight guy. I laughed. Irving noticed that Reg and I were already close to each other. I told Irving about what Reg told me.

When we came home, Alf and Thadani were already there. Thadani and I wasn't talking to each other. Okay, Thadani is the guy I was talking about. I was upset but now It's over. Before eating dinner, Jeck came and after that, Martin came back. The group watched Gossip Girls but I'm not into that kind of TV series. Finally, I SMS my Mom, "Why aren't you looking for me?". That is the question in my head when I stay outside our home late. (And when I came home, they'll scold me.) She replied, "Diba sabi mo kay Neneth 7-11 ka lang, hinintay ka nya. Nagising ang Papa mo ng 2:00, hindi natulog sa kahihintay sa 'yo. Naisip mo ba yon? Ako ngayon masama pakiramdam dahil iniisip ko kung may hinihintay pa kami. Magsabi ka lang Bonn. Bakit hahanapin kita, nagpaalam ka b? Wala ka pakialam kung nagaalala kami kaya nga hinahanda ko na sarili ko may tatawag n nakakulong ka o kung ano nangyari sayo. Pilit kitang inuunawa pero binabaliwala mo kami." I wasn't finish reading her message, my phone rang. I answered the phone and its my Mom. From the tone of her voice, I knew it will lead to drama. I went outside the room, I wasn't comfortable so I went to the bathroom. We cried. I was touched about what my Mom told me. She asked me, "May hihintayin pa ba kami Bonn?" My tears fell continuously even the phone call was over. I went back outside Irving's room but I can't go in beacause I'm crying. I don't want to make a commotion. My friends heard my sobbing. I asked for tissue.

After the show, we went to Burger King. Thadani left without saying goodbye to me. I SMS him "why aren't we talking?" but I didn't recieve a reply. Before I left BK, I went outside to smoke with Myrrh and Jeck. They told me that Thadani was a good catch and they already understand why I want him. But it was too late, he's gone.

When I was already near my place, a couple with their son rode the jeepney where I was in. The kid sat on his father's lap and the mother sat beside me. I remembered Reg. I told myself I want to experience that moment with my son. I would like to have a son like Reg. I hope to see him again. Reg will go back to his town after few days. I'll miss him. I've learned that I have to make my own way for me to love a kid. I should also have patience. Well, I am an elementary teacher but dealing with kids is not really my forte.

Before I slept, I realized that I was a jerk and Thadani was too. I laughed. I don't like jerks.

Gay Swimmer Misses Swimming

Takte ako yun! haha. Hindi naman to social suicide no? sa picture, ako yung nasa extreme right. Xempre, kulang ang team sa picture. Pasaway iba e.

After watching Manay Po 2, I felt something strange and I don't know why. Up to now, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano yun but certainly it's about the part when Jiro Mano entered the swimming team. Before, playing in waters is my hobby but now, thanks to Jade, swimming became my sport. 4 years ago, Jade pulled me to the Education Swimming Team tryouts. In the middle of the pool, I got cramps but I didn't drown and able to kiss the coach. I still got in the team. Haha. I don't know kung nagpakadiscreet ako pero I know, I was myself all along.

May mga sinabihan naman akong ilan na girls kasi ang hirap din kasi magpigil lalo na kapag pinaguusapan nila boys tapos you want to say, "oo nga!" Haha. I stayed for 4 years kahit mahirap, kahit hindi ako nakakakuha ng shiny gold medals, all because I love swimming, diving and goofing around even the water is freezing. Ehem! Kontrolado ko naman sarili ko. Bihira ako mamboso. haha! Hirap din naman kasi. Mga kasama ko trunks lang ang suot at fit-na-fit. Gawd! Drooling over those bumps, abs, chest at iba pang cuts. shet! Ok. Enough. haha!

Before I said goodbye to my almamater, sabi ko sa team mates ko may secret ako. Ilang araw yung pinagusapan sa GM(group message). Pinipilit nilang alamin. haha. Yung mga ka batch ko sa team, I told them about my sexuality during our retreat. I wrote them a letter. Going back to the "secret", hindi pala secret yun. Like I said, I was just myself, I wasn't effeminate yet I'm open. Yung iba, piniga pa ako kasi hindi daw yun ang secret ko. Na-touch ako, sobra. I was afraid that people might avoid me because I'm gay kasi issue yun e, bakla na athlete at nasa swimming team pa, but my team didn't. Tanggap ako ng teammates ko. Awww...

I miss them, batch '04-'08. After the training, kakain kami before umuwi. haha. Sa kanila lang ako nakakain ng 5 cups of rice. grabe diba!? Namiss ko rin yung hiraman ng sabon, shampoo tapos alam ko may nagpasabon pa sa likod. haha. Kamiss!!! Sarap mag stretching.

A sudden getaway

Ok. Biglaan to, as in. Nabadtrip lang kasi ako kay Jepoy kung bakit hindi sya makasama sa Puerto Galera kung hindi ako sasama e wala naman kasi sa plano ko na pumunta dun kasi kapos ako sa budget. Nagaway pa kami ni Jepoy kasi ang dami kong tanong tungkol sa mga eksena nyang ganun at hindi naman nya ako sinasagot. Nagdramahan kaming dalawa at ito ang huling salita naming dalawa..

Jepoy: Bonn, hindi laging kailangan ng matinding dahilan just to define something.
Ako: All I know, there's a reason behind everything. Hindi naman ako humihingin ng matinding explanation e. I'm wondering thet's why I keep on asking. HIndi ka naman insensitive diba?
Jepoy: Ok..

Nakakabadtrip diba? Nakkabaliw na sya. So he decided na pumunta ng wala ako. At dahil dun, gusto ko na pumunta kaso bigla kong naisip na graduating ako. Alam nyo naman ang folklore na baka mamatay ako then biglang dumating ang honorarium ko sa EJ. Ang saya diba?? I asked a sign kay God na kapaga nagtext si Jepoy about Puerto Galera pupunta ako. Suddenly napagisip-isip ko, hindi ko kailangan ng sign. Ayokong pumunta sa Galera dahil lang sa kanya. Pupunta ako dun kasi B-day ni Loida at gusto ko makasama bestfriend ko kahit pa kasama nya boyfriend nya. Kaso hindi ako nakasabay sa kanila kaninang umaga dahil may class pa ako. Tumakas ako sa school ng lunch to meet a customer, while waiting sa mall, bumili nako ng trunks and boardshort. I'm so happy kasi nakabili ako ng Billabong. After the shopping, I went back home to fix my things. Pinagsabihan nanaman ako ni mama. Pero wala na akong pakialam, she keeps me busy and I wanna unwind. HIndi pa ako nakakapag-paalam kay papa. bahala na.

I am such a party pooper

Saturday 6pm I was suppose to meet Irving and Jeh at SM Centerpoint. Irving asked me to design a gown for his cousin. 5:30 I told him that I can't make it at 6pm and we'll just meet at the batcave at 8pm. My friends were expecting me at 8:30 but I came late. I cried before going to Mujang's. I was able to arrive almost 11pm na. for these past few weeks they always see me upset so they gave me a surprise party. There, Arbie aka Negra made me laugh. Bojo was so hospitable and kind. Mujang was mujang. Bessy Erick and his bf Bryan prepared food for me. Thank you to them and to Irving, Jeh, Roelle, Jepoy and Mujang's maid. With them, I found home. After the kainan, we went to Malate and I met Von, my long lost "twin" and it was a bad night for him too.

I went home drunk and I was in slumber the whole Sunday. When I woke up, maraming tao. My Dad hired his friend to cook a feast. I won't forget Mang Mar. We were alone in the 2nd floor and he asked me to give a gift to my Dad's birthday in exchange of the celebration he gave me, a baby. My cousins were there. My aunt told me that my dad invited our relatives for my bday and graduation party. Shucks! I didn't know that my family will celebrate my birthday because it's already 5 days late. So there, I just cleanned the mess and my mom scolded me because of the hickies she found around my neck.

All this time he's in misery

Wala pang isang oras nawalan na ako ng pagasa. Kanina pa dapat ako nasa Batcave and nagpapparty. My friends gave me a surprise party and M still here in front of my pc crying. HIndi ko na kaya preasure sakin. Kung suicidal lang ako two weeks ago pa ako patay. People will cry at hindi ako. Ako na umiiyak ngayon dahil hindi magawa ang inuutos gawin ng ibang tao at ng puso ko. Hindi ko na kaya. Naka makeup ako at basa na buong mukha and katwan ko. I wish god didn't made me this talented na pinaghihirapan ko idevelop since birth na ako lang ang nakadiscover without other people's help especially my family. I don't want to be compared to anybody kapag hindi ko magawa mga dapat kong gawin. Ayoko na talaga. Ayoko na. I fucking give up!

Sorry to my Bagets family. Sorry kinailangan nyo pa akong hntayin bago kumain tapos hindi rin naman ako makakpunta sa oras. sorry..

Sorry to my parents dahil hindi ko kayang gawin mga inuutos nila.

Sorry to my supervisor if they can't see my hardships. Sorry if I can't tell them all the things I have inside kasi I feel like they don't need to know naman.

Sorry to my friends kasi hindi ako nakakpagshare and happy side lagi pinapakita ko. Ayokong nakikita nila akong nahihirapan then they'll help me. I don't want to be a burden.

Sorry, to EES and EJ kasi pangit na performance ko.

Sorry God if I cant take care of this body. I'm sorry to my heart. I really am.

The Happy Go Unlucky of the day

Last night was our Baccalaureate mass and it was fun. Kakatapos lang ng birthday ko and seeing the UST's fireworks display for the firstime bago manlang ako umalis sa aking unang unibersidad na pinagaralan is the greatest gift I had recieve so far. Para akong mahuhulugan ng malalaking bola, stars, planets, hearts, flowers and etc. while my batchmates try to reach them out in the air. Sumakit nga batok at likod ko kasi as in parang nasa ulo lang namin.

Well anyway, dahil sa pagod na pago ako last night, hindi ako nagising agad at late ako nakapunta sa class ko kanina. HIndi na rin ako nagpakita sa supervisor ko kasi sasabunin nanaman ako. What's great about my visit to school is may umorder sakin ng shirt and her friends like the shirts. sana umorder din sila. haha. Kumain pa ako sa Mcdo with some of my clasmates before we went home.

Sa bahay naman, sangkatutak na utos ang naabutan ko. I had typing and printing jobs tapos sira yung printer. Sinubukan kong ayusin yung printer ng 2 or 3 hours while browsing the internet, whoala! sira pa rin sya! haha. pero nakagawa ako ng magandang template. pero pero.. sa tagal ng aking pagaayos, late na ako sa meeting ko with the bagets. Magpapapprint pa ako sa labas. At dahil din sa aking pagiging camwhore, nadelete ko ang isang album ko dito sa multiply. shucks! Grr... dinelete ko pa naman yung softcopy. wala akong back-up. Asar!!!

Baka gumimick ako tonight. Finaly naka move on nako sa late affair ko. haha. Masyado xang isip bata for me e ang tanda-tanda na nya. haha. hmm... bumibilis na ang aking typing skills and hindi na ako patingin-tingin sa keyboard. Horay! I need to celebrate and I need to leave NOW!!!